Celebrities and assorted whack jobs expanded our horizons and vocabularies in 2015. Here are some of the takeaways:
You Can Be ANYTHING You Want To Be
Perhaps the most intriguing lady of 2015 was Caitlyn Jenner, who at the age of 65 was the oldest woman ever featured on the cover of Vanity Fair. She won Glamour Magazine’s “Woman of the Year Award” despite not having been a woman for even a full year. Perhaps a “Best Newcomer Award” would have been more appropriate.
Caitlyn shocked the nation with her unexpectedly stunning looks while she narrowly avoided vehicular manslaughter charges. What a fast learner – she was only a woman for a few months before she started driving like one.
But just as soon as we were warming up to Caitlyn, we were introduced to a young lady with a spray tan and a dream, Rachel Dolezal, who was exposed as a white woman pretending to be black. She was president of the Spokane chapter of the NAACP, which in Spokane stands for “National Association of Artificially Colored People.” Rachel introduced Americans to a new word: Transracial. It finally became okay to be the race you identified with rather than the race you were born into. Across the country, white women asked hairdressers for “The Rachel” and sashayed proudly out of salons with heads full of weaves and braids.
Then things went from weird to sad, as we were taught a new phrase: Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID) – a rare condition causing able-bodied people to believe they are supposed to be disabled. Enter Jewel Shuping, who dreamed of being blind since she was a little girl. She became so obsessed with losing her sight that she paid a psychologist to pour drain cleaner into her eyes. Afterwards, she gradually lost her eyesight and is now almost completely blind.
Perhaps the best “you can be anything you set your mind to” story came from Canada this year, when a 52-year-old Canadian father of seven changed his name to “Stefonknee Wolscht” and decided to live a new life as a six-year-old girl. Transgender. Transage. Transresponsibilitylevel. He even found a nice couple to adopt him (her?). Adulting clearly isn’t for Stefonknee. His children must be super stoked about this transition.
These inspirational stories remind us that we can be anything. Transfinancial. Transbeautiful. Transathletic. Heck, be all three if you’re a rich, buff stunner trapped in a poor person’s out-of-shape body.
Food Addiction Can Lead to Mild Pedophilia
Since losing 235 pounds, the uncharismatic Jared Fogle has been riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels, making millions of dollars off his old fat pants and that toothy, awkward smile. For over 15 years, Subway, one of the fastest-growing franchises in the world, has inexplicably relied on this unlikeable creature as their only spokesperson.
Jared somehow convinced Americans that eating substandard lunch meat was a smart, health-conscious decision. His “Eat Fresh” slogan inspired customers to wait in slow lines for crummy ingredients served by “Sandwich Artists” who need repeated instructions during every step of their art-making process.
The Subway diet became a national sensation. Devotees lost hundreds of pounds trying to horn in on Jared’s national commercial campaigns. It didn’t matter to Subway that every one of these dieters were significantly more appealing than Jared – they would not change horses in midstream.
Then one day – while signing autographs, letting strangers touch his fat pants, or whatever stupid thing he would do during his various press tours – Jared met Rochelle Herman. She was a complete stranger and a stereotypical soccer mom, so naturally Jared broke the ice by making inappropriately lustful remarks about tween girls.
In that moment, Rochelle decided to become a trusted confidant to this sick dillhole for the sole purpose of becoming an informant. For nearly 10 years, she delivered information to the FBI regarding his sex trips to Thailand, his penchant for boys and girls of all ages, and his various methods of seducing underage fans.
Jared even started a foundation to raise awareness about childhood obesity and then used it to optimize his access to young children. He strategically arranged parties with children to gain their trust and had his top executive, Russell Taylor, secretly film the victims. This continued for year after year as more children were preyed upon. The FBI sat on their hands for a decade while building a proper case.
Over time, anonymous child sex had become a monotonous routine for Jared, who was sick of bland sandwiches and craved something more exciting. Hankering for a sweet piece of forbidden fruit, Jared asked Rochelle to secretly video her own children while they were naked so that he could get his rocks off.
By now, Rochelle had had enough. It was time for the FBI to finally get off their asses and stop this monster. And stop him they did, negotiating a plea deal that charged him only with two counts: 1. Distribution and receipt of child pornography. 2. Traveling to engage in illicit sexual conduct with a minor across state lines. Jared also agreed to pay $1.4 million in restitution to 14 of his named victims.
During his trial, forensic psychiatrist John Bradford testified that Jared’s weight loss somehow led to child lust: “Once he lost weight, it seemed as though in a short time he had hyper-sexuality. There are brain disorders that can be associated with sexual drive.” He then deemed Jared’s condition to be “mild pedophilia” because the 14 victims Jared was willing to admit to were girls aged 14-17.
It’s worth noting that “mild pedophilia” is not a condition recognized by the psychiatric community. If such a condition existed, Jared’s single-minded obsession with child diddling – to the extent that he isolated himself from his own family and created an entire non-profit organization for the cause – would unlikely qualify for such a diagnosis.
When Jared was sentenced to over 15 years in prison, he reportedly sobbed about hurting his family and his wife, who would be a single mother. “You gave your wife $7 million,” the judge reminded, “so she’ll be okay.”
Sometimes is doesn’t pay to eat fresh. On the plus side, Jared will surely enjoy a few foot-longs in prison.
Naked Women are Passé
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Why pay to see pictures of stunning nude ladies when you can witness them performing every sex act imaginable for free on the Internet?
In 2015, Playboy Magazine announced it would no longer focus on naked starlets. This strategy was already successful in 2014 for the company’s website, which quadrupled its online traffic and attracted a much younger audience. The magazine will continue to publish a mixture of interviews, fiction, and investigative journalism. It will also introduce more artwork and a female “sex-positive” columnist.
2015 also marked a turning point for the famous Pirelli calendar, which changed its focus to fully-dressed, highly accomplished women instead of artfully nude supermodels. What a difference a year can make. If only Fran Lebowitz would pose in the same outfit Adriana Lima was sporting last year.
Mr. 21 is STILL the World’s Greatest Lover
Though it’s been several years since Adele wrote and recorded the album “21,” which won 6 Grammy Awards and turned Adele into a global phenomenon, the man who inspired the album still eludes and fascinates the British paparazzi.
What kind of charming, passionate, doting, 14-inch-dong-swinging, genius billionaire supermodel could provoke the rage necessary to write and repeatedly perform classic fuck-my-ex-boyfriend anthems such as “Rolling in the Deep” and “Someone Like You?” According to Adele, Mr. 21’s big crime was that he left her and moved on with his life. As heartbreaking as that album is, there are zero references about the guy stealing her money or banging her mother. He just, you know…left.
So who on Earth is this guy? Could he be the goofy-looking Slinky Sunbeam who allegedly left Adele for a Burberry model, despite Adele’s claim of never having dated Slinky? Could it be her former photographer Alex Sturrock who built a solid portfolio of Adele bedroom pics? Could it be one of many mystery men, like Giles, who call up radio DJs in London claiming to be the notorious Mr. 21?
We may never know. What we do know is that “21” was released in 2011, the year Adele supposedly released all of her demons and moved on with her life. It seemed her dreams came true when, later that same year, she started dating Simon Konecki. The pair currently cohabitate and raise their three-year-old son. Every day brings a new tabloid rumor about a possible engagement or secret wedding. Happily ever after at last.
So when she released her next album “25” in 2015, we were expecting to hear some upbeat tunes, forgetting that if she sang happy songs, she wouldn’t be Adele. She would be Meghan Trainor.
Sadly, “25” was the “I’m still clearly obsessed with Mr. 21” album, which enjoyed sales totaling $7.13 million in the US during its fifth consecutive week in Billboard’s top spot. Her album immediately skyrocketed to #1 with her hit single “Hello,” which features lyrics such as:
Hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home
Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter it clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore
That’s just the lyrics to one song. The other songs are called “Send My Love (To Your New Lover),” “I Miss You,” “When We Were Young,” and “Water Under the Bridge.” Despite having a new man and a toddler, she still finds time to relentlessly stalk her ex. Her current man must be too busy spending her money to actually listen to her music.
Mr 21., if you are reading this, please seduce and then break up with Alanis Morrisette to inspire the greatest album of all time.
Unconditional Love DOES Exist
It can’t be easy staying married to ANYONE for over 50 years. Such a thing requires deep friendship, fair fighting, daily compromises, mutual goals, shared values, and the tenacity to put up with the same un-changing bullshit year after soul-diminishing year. And that’s if you’re lucky enough to have a wonderful spouse.
The most understanding wife of all time once wrote: “Bill and I were very young when we married; he was 26, I was 19. We had to mature, we had to learn the definition of unselfish love, and we did. When we committed to each other wholeheartedly years ago, our marriage became healthy and solid. Also, we blossomed as individuals. Our marriage encompasses mutual love, respect, trust, and communication. Sound relationships must have positive reciprocity; they can’t be one-sided and strong.”
What man wouldn’t love to be married to a great friend like that? Too bad she’s spoken for. She’s been married to Bill Cosby since 1964. Her name is Camille.
And what a wonderful ride it’s been for Camille. As Bill’s career began to blossom in the early 70’s, he had many affairs with all sorts of starlets, models, and various Hollywood worker bees. Some of those affairs were even brought to Camille’s attention. She knew he was not a faithful man. Still, she remained true and raised their five children (or at least Bill’s five legitimate children) while he pretended to be a devoted husband and father on a nationally beloved television show.
In 1997, tragedy struck when the couple’s only son, Ennis, was murdered. The untimely death of a child can rattle even the world’s best marriage to its foundation, but Camille was steadfast in her love.
A few days after their son’s demise, Bill received a phone call from a young lady named Autumn Jackson, or as she referred to herself “Autumn Cosby.” Autumn, who claimed to be Bill’s illegitimate daughter, had dropped out of school. She was homeless, destitute, and pregnant with twins. Desperate for income and her father’s attention, she threatened to discuss his paternity with the tabloids if he didn’t dummy up $40 million.
As it turned out, Bill enjoyed a long affair with Autumn’s mother, Shawn Uptown, in the 70’s. Of course, when Bill first admitted to the infidelity, he downplayed it as a one-night stand. After witnesses and mutual friends came forward, it became clear that their affair had lasted for years. According to Shawn, Bill used to mix it up in the bedroom, alternating between consensual sex and drugged-up rape sessions. One of these many encounters resulted in Autumn’s conception.
In court, Bill testified that he paid $100,000 over 20 years to keep this extramarital affair a secret. He said he also paid for Autumn’s education and gave her a car. Under cross-examination, Bill admitted that he canceled a paternity test he was going to take, because he feared the media would discover it and damage his reputation. He denied that he was her father, yet refused DNA testing to confirm the truth.
With the help of his mighty legal team, Bill slapped Autumn with a two-year federal prison sentence. During Autumn’s incarceration, she gave birth to twin boys – boys who are most likely Bill’s grandchildren. She was also legally barred from ever contacting Cosby again.
Camille was fully aware of the entire case and all associated testimonies, yet stood by her man. In 2000, she evangelized the value of marital commitment to Oprah Winfrey:
“You go through a transition, if you are committed to each other. You cleanse yourself of all of that baggage, and you look at each other and determine whether the relationship is worth salvaging, whether you really love each other and want to be together. […] When we knew that we really wanted to be with each other, that we didn’t want to live without each other.”
Cut to 2004 when Andrea Constand, a lesbian basketball player at Temple University, settled a civil lawsuit after accusing Bill of drugging and sexually assaulting her at his home outside Philadelphia. With the lawsuit came the affidavits of 13 other women who shared similarly terrifying stories about pills, cocktails, and rape.
2015 has been a banner year for Cosby rape awareness. As of October there have been 55 alleged Bill Cosby rape victims and counting.
Yet forever by her man proudly stands Camille, unflappable and unwavering in her faith. She is the patron saint of co-dependency.