6 Silly Things Modern, Empowered Women Need to Stop Doing Immediately

If you’re a “strong and independent woman” that people don’t take seriously, perhaps it’s because you’re doing one of these six silly things:

1. Throwing Home Sales Parties:

Back in the 1950s, home sales party companies like Avon and Tupperware made perfect sense. They were a beacon of hope and freedom for kept women with domineering husbands who forbade all non-grocery shopping trips. Today, we have the Internet and take shit from no men. So why do women keep alienating their friends and losing money in this weird way? Nostalgia?

I’ve been tricked into FAR TOO MANY parties where the hostess lured me in with wine only to sell me jewelry, lingerie, kitchen supplies, or worst of all, $125 baskets that you would ordinarily pay six bucks for at Hobby Lobby.

partyFor some reason, men don’t think to do this. Never once has a man invited me to a party and then suddenly asked all the attendees to sit in a circle while he demonstrated nifty little office gadgets.

Sure, we all know that one token girl from high school who became a multimillionaire by selling Tupperware, but she’s the exception, not the rule. Most of these companies are just product-filled pyramid schemes who are finally, thankfully, starting to die out.

There are many ways to earn extra income without pestering acquaintances and loved ones. You could sling french fries, you could provide telemarketing services, you could design your own line of sparkly cat butthole covers, you could sell your damaged (sorry – vintage) belongings on Etsy, you could be a niche web cam girl and pop balloons with your butt. Nearly all of these options will provide a more reliable source of income and keep your friendships intact.

Unless of course someone catches her husband jerking off to your balloon popping demonstration.


2. Mistaking Narcissism for Empowerment:

Women really need to spend less time on Facebook bragging about their strength, independence, and tender hearts. Ladies, these sentiments are not true simply because you post them on Facebook. Let’s face it, the woman who posts about how “I’m the kind of person that tries to make everyone smile,” is the most depressing bitch you know, and the woman to brags about her ability to “let go” has a voodoo doll with her ex’s hair on it.

i_am_generous,-25357Aimless bragging posts only make you look insecure. They let me know that on our next girls night out, you’ll be sobbing into your second glass of wine with all the vibrant confidence of an emo poet.

Oh wait, I’m sorry – you really meant every compliment you bestowed upon yourself? My bad. You just know in your deepest heart space that you are a good, caring, and honest person, and the world REALLY needs to be alerted to this glorious truth. If you’re so altruistic, tag yourself doing volunteer work at a homeless shelter, if you’re so caring, post about how great you think other people are, if you are extremely generous, other people will surely sing your praises. That’s how the world works.

Per my favorite bit from Louis C.K. “Self love is a good thing, but self awareness is more important.”


3. Waving the Banner of Strength and Independence:

I am so sick of the phrase “I’m a strong, independent woman.” Well, what do you want for that – a cookie? Like Chris Rock, I hate it when people want credit for shit they’re supposed to do. You’re SUPPOSED to be a strong, independent woman, or as I like to call it, a “grown up.” It’s 2015 ladies. Everyone is expected to earn a living and find ways to support themselves. If you’re over the age of 25, please find something more impressive to brag about, because with the “strong and independent” nonsense you’re basically just admitting to people that you have a job and a vibrator.

This boasting about strength and independence is usually followed by the other tired old chestnut “Men are intimidated by strong women.” To be perfectly honest, I’ve never met the men these women are referring to. While I understand there are some extremely insecure, misogynistic, and abusive men out there who are genuinely intimidated by a strong woman, they are clearly the exception, not the rule. I’ve never once intimidated a man with my strength. Oh, I’ve scared the hell out of many men with my rage and my crazy, but never with my strength.

If you are intimidating the boy you are dating, trade him up for a man, and rest assured there are millions of modern fellas out there who enjoy dating successful, confident women.

If you are being assertive at work and a man complains about it, let him complain. Per Jennifer Lawrence’s brilliant essay on the topic, don’t worry about trying to be adorable all the time. The top-ranking female CEOs in this country don’t become successful by being adorable. You can never be top dog if you’re not at least as bold as the other players, so get your bark on, bitches!

Of course, if you’re intimidating every man you encounter, it’s not because you’re strong and independent, it’s because you’re scary and need to work on your communication skills.


4. Fixating on Female Bodies:

Girls with toned and tight bodies post nearly-nude selfies and tell all woman-kind to be proud of the skin that they’re in. To remind us they’re not being shallow, they end their posts with some bullshit about how it’s really the soul that matters.

Soul Selfie

Plus size girls pose in bikinis and assure all that is needed to have a bikini body is to put a bikini on your body. Bigger girls never feel obligated to make the soul disclaimer.

Everyone posts about how the super fat Marilyn Monroe (with her dumpy 23-inch waist) still somehow managed to be sexy.

It’s tough enough being a woman and knowing that every straight man you encounter is scrutinizing, judging, and evenly openly discussing your body parts as if anyone cares about their opinions. We’re all so sick of the mind-numbly dumb conversation about whether or not he’s a “boob man” or a “leg man” (Spoiler Alert: They’re really all just vagina men who will gladly accept imperfections). Let’s not amplify the stupidity any further.

Look ladies, I don’t care what “real women” look like, or what kind of bodies “real men” prefer. It doesn’t matter – everyone is different. You’re all precious little snowflakes with rockin’ hot bodies. You’re all worthy of love and great sex. Now please fixate on something more meaningful. Like the Kardashians or something.


5. Belittling Men to Empower Yourself:

No, not every man on the planet is a liar, cheater, user, or whatever awful thing you deem them to be. Like women, men are precious little snowflakes – they each suck in their own, unique way.

When you say, for example “All men are cheaters,” most people hear “I only date cheaters because that’s what I’m strangely attracted to.” Rather than hating on nearly half the world’s population, perhaps you should see a shrink, identify your triggers, change your dating habits, and find a guy who will disappoint you in a whole new way.

True feminism is the fight for equality and fair treatment. Unfortunately, feminism gets a really bad rep because with it, often comes this odd notion that men are inherently bad and have to learn good traits from women. Conversely, many feminists are under the very false impression that all women are inherently good and only do bad things as a reaction to mistreatment.

Nope. Men and women are equal. Some are bad, some are good, most are average, all will fib about how many sexual partners they’ve had.


6. Having Impossibly High Expectations:

Much in the same way I think porn has damaged the way men relate to women (particularly the way many inexplicably regard online dating sites as magical realms where women just want to be treated like walking Fleshlights), I think romantic comedies have really warped our views on what kind of lavish attention we can expect from our men. Yes, some men are incredibly romantic, just like some women are completely comfortable having sex in public with strangers – unicorns do exist. But most men aren’t going to chase you to an airport, hold aloft a boom box outside your window, or invite you to take your pick of engagement rings at Tiffany’s.

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So please stop complaining to your girlfriends about how he’s never trailed rose petals up to a bubble bath, or that his Facebook profile pic doesn’t include you, or that he got you cheap flowers. Such laments sound insane to single women, or to the many women out there who feel it’s a miracle if a man can simply remember birthdays and anniversaries.

And why we’re all at it, can we just finally agree to stop comparing ourselves to anything we see in movies, magazines, or television? It’s all fantasy. You’ll never be like any of the Sex and the City Girls, because you don’t have time to maintain daily relationships with three best friends while fucking every man in Manhattan, sustaining a successful career, and never wearing the same outfit twice. And that’s only about women who don’t have children.

My heart breaks for mothers who feel perpetually inadequate because they didn’t have time to throw that Pinterest-perfect birthday party, or because they packed on a few pounds having barely enough time to snarf down convenience foods, or because they are not in every single way the perfect mother.

We can learn a lot from men in this department. Fathers don’t stress themselves out over these things. They’re just proud of themselves if the kids don’t get injured and praise their beer bellies as a new “dad bod” craze. Next time you want to fret about not “having it all,” please check out this hilarious Twitter feed about how men can have it all too.

 

So go ahead with your bad ass self and take over the world or whatever.

Why My Ovaries May Force Me to Vote for Hillary

For the record, I am not a big fan of Hillary Clinton.

While I don’t think she will lead our country to ruin, I certainly don’t think she will usher in a new dawn of prosperity. Hillary is the establishment. She’s lackluster. She will bring more of the same – unconvincing speeches about how she’s one of the people, agendas that prioritize the needs of lobbyists over those of her constituents, and of course, legislation bottle-necked by a divided Congress that she’s certainly not capable of uniting.

She’s stiff, phony, and uninspiring. Nobody really wants to have a beer with this woman. But here’s a fun fact that may prompt you to jump on the Hillary bandwagon: She’s the only candidate running with a reasonable shot at winning the 2016 presidential election who also has a vagina.

Let me repeat: She has a vagina.

I know what you’re thinking. “Marie, you shouldn’t care about genitalia. You should vote for the candidate you feel is most qualified to run our nation.” And you know what? My brain TOTALLY agrees with you.

My ovaries, however, say “Fuck you. Do you know how long we’ve been waiting for this?!?”

Think my ovaries are being unreasonable? Well then please allow me to paint a picture of what it would be like if women had always dominated American politics and regularly introduced legislation affecting men’s bodies and their reproductive rights. I’m guessing every man alive when faced with the horror of this situation would immediately vote for the first viable candidate with a swinging dick – no questions asked.

So please, jump down the rabbit hole with me, and enter a world where men are the political minority.


Campaign Posturing

Imagine a world where women dominate every election season while trying to be as warm, sweet, and nurturing as possible. Instead of making appearances at local watering holes in an attempt to fit in with the “regular joes,” by talking about their favorite sports teams, candidates would customarily visit beauty salons and get mani-pedis with working-class gals while gossiping about celebrities. Instead of wanting to grab a beer with the person you elect, imagine wanting to sip some chardonnay.

How about that old tradition of presidential candidates getting dressed up in camouflage and taking their buddies on a hunting trip? How many times have you seen this macho demonstration of a candidate responsibly exercising his second amendment rights?

What if instead of hunting, the primarily female pool of candidates tried to outclass one another in book clubs? What if you saw election season pictures like this of women responsibly exercising their first amendment rights by reading and discussing controversial, thought-provoking books?

Politicians wearing hard hats, talking to construction workers, and pointing at random things is such a cliché that there are now websites dedicated to mocking this practice. What if we replaced that old chestnut with female politicians who throw on scrubs, point at random charts with nurses, and maybe even visit a few sick kids? Instead of focusing on working class men who make infrastructure improvements, politicians would finally give a little credit to working-class women who make life improvements.

construction v nursing


What if male body parts were legislated on by female politicians who never attended a health class?

Wouldn’t it be awesome if ignorant female politicians started expressing asinine opinions about the male anatomy? This is what I picture:

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Duct Tape

Politicians have been fixated on female bodies for a very long time. Laws concerning female nipples, breastfeeding, and healthcare requirements are constantly being enacted. In fact, it’s quite typical that in any given year, 700+ pieces of legislation will be introduced in Congress with the intent to restrict, control, or otherwise regulate women’s reproductive rights. Congress never seems to give a rat’s ass about men’s bodies.

But what if that all changed? What if Congress and religious moderates believed that life truly began in the nut sack, and that sperm control was their sacred duty? I know some of my examples are a bit silly, but it takes two people to make a baby, yet regulations are only made against women.

Instead of groups of men like this forming a counsel on women’s health issues (true story)…

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..what if panels of women looking like this spoke to Congress about how men should be managing their various body parts and excretions?

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Here are some fun topics they could cover:

> It’s considered a lewd, sexual act to expose a man’s nipple or hairy ass crack in public.

> If a man impregnates a woman, he must live with her for the entire pregnancy, wear sympathy pregnancy pillows, and help her during the delivery.

> Vasectomies should be made illegal unless it’s a medical requirement. Why deprive even one child their right to exist on this planet?

> Men considering masturbation should be required to visit a sexual therapist or be forced to look at pictures of smiling children to remind them of the sadness of wasted sperm.

> Legislation should be made against intentionally wasted masturbatory sperm; men caught ejaculating into socks should be shamed as though they were abandoning their own offspring.

> Boys under the age of 18 must get their parent’s signature to buy condoms.

> Condoms and boner pills should never be covered under the Affordable Care Act.


What About War?

What if Congress spent all their time deciding on which diplomatic tactics to employ every time Isis beheads a reporter? What if knee-jerk cries of war were looked down upon as the irrational and overly emotional “manly” thing to do? What if sending missile and drone attacks was considered a sign of weakness, while diplomatic charm and skillful negotiation was how we showed other countries our strength?

What if we stopped spending trillion-dollar sums on failed fighter jets and instead put that money into nutritional school lunches? What if all of this sounds really naive and you were sick to fucking death of female politicians making all the rules on absolutely every freaking thing? Well that’s kind of how I feel about all our old-school cowboy candidates who hyper-focus on fire power in the information age.


A female-dominated Congress would hardly be a utopia, but there certainly needs to be more balance.

Let me be perfectly clear, I don’t think the country would operate better if it were completely run by women, but at least I would feel adequately represented. Our presidents always have to be manly and macho and cater to working class men. Politicians clearly regard women’s issues as secondary even though we comprise the majority of voters.

One day, I would love to see a world where male politicians felt obligated to take their pictures at nursing stations, beauty salons, women’s shelters, book clubs, and wine tastings. Until then, we have this:

female politicians as dudes

Gosh, doesn’t Hillary look comfortable in that picture? If it helps you to vote for Hillary, just remember the second great thing she’s got going for her.

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Let’s do this people.

Vote for Hillary’s vagina and help get more vaginas into political office.

A Straight Person’s Guide to Transgender People

Are your weird observations about Caitlyn Jenner causing you to lose Facebook friends? If so, please consult this nifty guide.

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First, a bit about my expertise: Years ago, a loved one confessed his life-long struggle with his gender identity, taking me down a rabbit hole of transgender support groups, websites, articles, essays, and adventures. Over the course of an extremely busy year, I got to know hundreds of transgender people and befriended many. Here is what they need you to know:

You have at least one transgender person in your life

The transgender community is still extremely closeted. There have been many studies conducted to pinpoint the population size, but the numbers run all over the map, since the US Census does not address gender identity. Claire Cain Miller wrote a great article about all of the latest research, but one thing is extremely clear, the vast majority (70+%) of all transgender people in this country hide their true gender identity.

Transgender people come in all shapes and flavors, so it’s actually very difficult to stereotype. I’ve personally known many burly firemen, construction workers, and metal heads who loved being women. I’ve met many female-to-male (FTM) transgender people who would love to be able to grow a mustache, but still love cosmopolitans and girl pop.

You don’t know that Bob from your bowling league likes to wear a nightgown to bed, and you don’t know that Amy the office gossip stuffs socks into her panties. Heck, you may not know that your brother is truly a lesbian trapped in a man’s body, even if he jokes about it constantly. If you publicly deride transgender people, you do so at the risk of deeply offending someone you care about.

 rupaul

Drag queens are not the norm

Most transgender people are simply casual, work-a-day folks who wish to be themselves. They don’t spend hours blending glitter on their eyelids and perfecting Cher impressions. Drag queens are performers who create caricatures in order to entertain you. They also tend to be out-of-the-closet homosexuals who are very loud and proud about who they are. A drag queen is a walking work of art, an exaggerated homage to glamorous women. Drag queens represent a tiny minority of the transgender population.

In contrast, your average MTF (male-to-female) transgender person, who was born a man and identifies as female, will often dress very casually and wear simple make-up. That’s because your average MTF already identifies as a woman. The make-up only enhances what is true in the heart.

helenboyd-bookpartyTransgender people are not often homosexual

Gender identity and sexual orientation are two completely separate characteristics. Just think about the celebrity transgender people you know about:

Born Straight:

Caitlyn Jenner = Born a man. Attracted to women.
Eddie Izzard = Born a man. Attracted to women.

Born Homosexual:

Chaz Bono = Born a woman. Attracted to women.
Laverne Cox = Born a man. Attracted to men.

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Their genitals are none of your business

Do you enjoy describing your junk to strangers? Well okay, maybe YOU do, but most of us don’t, you friggin’ pervert.

Transgender people are no different – most of them hate to be asked about their private parts, so get your mind out of their underwear.

And on that note, transgender people just want to go to the bathroom in peace. They’re not trying to slip into your stall or sneak peeks at your vajayjay. They just want to pee in convenient public places without drama.

kevin-moore-bathroom-cartoo

For those of you who are still obsessed with genitalia and consumed with curiosity, just know that sexual reassignment surgeries are rarely performed, since they are mostly cosmetic, still somewhat risky, and extremely expensive. So if you really must venture a guess, odds are favorable that the genitals are the same since birth.

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Their gender identity is not a threat to yours

Much like gay marriage is not a threat to traditional marriage, a person born a man, but identifies as a woman, is simply stating the gender she feels inside. This is not an affront to the painful periods you suffered, the child labor you endured, or the hot flashes you now sweat through. If you choose to be completely butt hurt because Caitlyn Jenner cannot fully relate to the trials and tribulations of being a woman, then please turn the channel, because clearly, keeping up with the Kardashians is not for you.

cisgender

Sorry, but you’re no longer just “straight”

When your grandfather was “straight,” it just meant that he wasn’t high on drugs or booze. These days, you have to identify as “straight” to indicate that you are not homosexual. However, since sexual preference has nothing to do with sexual identity, “straight” is not a simple phrase that automatically distances you from all LGBT categories. Therefore, you are now “cisgender.” I’m sorry, I know it’s a lame word and perhaps someone will come up with a cooler one, but for now, to let someone know that your personal gender identity matches the genitals assigned to you at birth, you can say “I am cisgender.”

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Every transgender story is different

Many transgender people have struggled with their gender identity since early childhood. Some vacillate between their male and female sides their whole lives. Some fall somewhere in between the male/female perspective. Some have a full sexual reassignment early in their life. There are many colors in the transgender rainbow, and that’s okay.

If you are straight and cisgender, you may not understand many of those colors, and that’s okay too. Gender identity can be a very confusing topic. After all, outside genitalia, what actually defines gender? You may never be able to fully relate to a transgender person because you probably don’t put a lot of thought about what makes you inherently male or female, or what it would be like to be the opposite sex – you just play the hand you were dealt.

So just keep doing that. All you have to do is be yourself and be kind to others who are simply being themselves. Respect their privacy, respect their dignity, and give them the space to express themselves without becoming hostile, rude, or worse yet, violent.

Respect is extremely necessary

The dark side to transgender people is the closets they build for themselves and the people they hurt while doing so. It’s surprisingly easy and common to hide your sexual identity from your community, your children, and your spouse. This creates distance, brings unnecessary shame, breeds heartache, and destroys intimacy. Hopefully, the day will come where no one ever has to live in a closet again, and the Kris Jenners of the world will be a thing of the past.

Even worse, being transgender in the United States can be extremely dangerous. The murder rate for transgender people is 50% higher than the murder rate for lesbian and gay people.

Adding insult to fatal injury, courts in many states still give murderers the benefit of the doubt if their victim was flirtatious. It’s called the “trans panic defense,” which absolves men of accountability for their murderous rampages should their rage be triggered by finding a penis where a vagina should be.

It’s no wonder most transgender people are still hiding in their closets.

 Being transgender is not a mental disorder, but it can be extremely stressful.

A psychological state is considered a mental disorder only if it causes significant distress or disability. Transgender people do not consider their gender identity to be distressing or disabling. However, getting the outside to match the inside, and then getting others to accept the real you, can be extremely taxing. Changing your body can be a monumental undertaking that includes counseling, hormone therapy, and expensive medical procedures. And even when you have all that under control, you need to try and alter societal perceptions in order to freely express your gender identity while facing discrimination, broken relationships, and even the threat of violence. With all this pressure, it’s no wonder that the suicide rate among transgender people is at a staggering 41%.

So please, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it on Facebook.

Creepy Sexism in Girl’s Sports

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When I was 12 years old, my mother reprimanded me for dressing too provocatively. My outfit would not raise a single eyebrow today, but back in the late 80’s, it was still considered trashy to wear a miniskirt that was two inches above the knee and (gasp) lace gloves with the fingertips cut out. Like all 12-year-old girls back then, I was trying to be Madonna, but only had a vague understanding about what that actually meant.

In the most diplomatic way possible, my mother tried explaining to me why it was wrong to dress this way in public. It was a familiar conversation, and always a confusing one. When I was in second grade, both my mother and my teacher took turns both scolding me and begging me not to take my shirt off at recess. It had been a particularly hot spring that year, and all the boys took their shirts off to play basketball. I was playing basketball with them, and I too, was sweating bullets. Why was I being singled out?

“Because you’re a girl, Marie. Girls are different.” They could never bring themselves to explain why girls were different. My chest was identical to the chests of all my second grade male classmates (a trend that would sadly continue for me until I was damn near 20). I just had to accept that girls were required to keep their shirts on, while boys could take theirs off.

So when I was 12 and getting yelled at for my pathetic Madonna imitation ensemble, my mother realized she was going to have to give me a tangible reason why my outfit was deemed unacceptable, one that would save her weeks of fighting and trips to my teacher’s office.

“Because,” she struggled, “when certain men see you dressed like that, they might think you’re selling something you aren’t.”

“Girl Scout Cookies?” I wondered.

“They might think you’re selling yourself.” I stared at her blankly. “Your body.” Still nothing. “They might think you’re selling sex.”

Wait, what?!?! Whoa. Slow down there, missy!!!! To further clarify, my 17-year-old sister chimed in with “Mom thinks you look like a whore.” Okay, I sort of understood the sex-selling part (ew), but what was this “whore” thing? A monster? Based on my mom’s dramatic reaction to my sister, I knew it must have been even uglier than a monster.

So there I was, an ugly monster selling sex, and over the months, I started learning more and more from my friends and society about what attention I could expect to receive from boys (and apparently johns) based on the various sartorial choices I made.

It was about that time that I joined the Laredo Middle School girl’s volleyball team. I loved playing the game and had a pretty mean serve. Unfortunately, joining the team meant donning a ridiculous uniform with long sleeves and very short shorts. I really hated this fucking thing.

The legs would bunch up in the crotch as I scrambled for the ball, and I was painfully aware that my ass cheeks were open to the bleachers every time I had to bend over, which was always, because it’s fucking volleyball. For some reason, however, my parents had no problem with this get-up. Despite the fact that I was not allowed to own daisy dukes, and that I could be sent home from school if my skirt hem reached higher than my outstretched fingertips, it was considered perfectly fine for me to squat and jump in this little number:

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Again, I found myself jealous of the boys in my class. Their volleyball uniforms were comfortable. They could play with confidence in their long, flowing Umbro shorts.

As my team won game after game, I noticed girls from various schools would eye each other up and down. Not to get into each others’ heads, but to sympathetically acknowledge each others’ uniforms. Many girls suffered the same cheek-grazing shorty-shorts, but I remember one team I played (and beat) had shorts more reasonable in length. Unfortunately, they were fabricated in a thin, white polyester that let you see each player’s underwear.

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For many years I mentally blocked the memories of these heinous athletic fashion crimes. It’s been a long time since junior high, and I assumed things got better for girls. Nearly every time I fire up the ole’ Internet, I see some article about a girl being sent home from a school dance for being too scantily clad, or about how yet another female sports team is kicking ass and building a bigger audience. More respect for sport. Less respect for skin exposure. Things must have gotten better for junior high school volleyball players, right?

Infuriatingly, no. A precious 11-year-old girl in my life is currently trying out for her school’s volleyball team. The shorts she’s wearing are so short, they practically look like underwear. She’s afraid to dry them in a clothes dryer, lest they shrink to an even smaller size. The uniform they will put her in if she makes the team will be just as short.

Her school is following a very common trend. And it’s disturbing.

Do a Google image search for boy’s volleyball teams at the junior high or high school level. You will see confident boys in reasonable uniforms looking like they’re going to kick your ass:

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Now do a Google image search for girl’s middle school volleyball teams. You will see in most images, the girls look apologetic and strike modest poses that clearly show how uncomfortable and naked they feel in their uniforms. Sometimes, these girls are blatantly sexualized by people taking bend-over sneak shots.

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There are now many websites like HotVolleyBall.com that let horny men rub out to girls in volleyball uniforms. Is that what we training young girls for?

And why is that top male volleyball athletes still manage to keep their legs covered, like soccer players, for the most basic running and jumping? If there was a competitive advantage to wearing skimpy underwear instead of comfortable shorts, men would have done it by now, just as they do with wrestling, gymnastics, swimming, and ice skating. Male athletes have no shame in attire when it comes to winning.

So could somebody please tell me why schools and athletic teams are still subjecting young girls to this bullshit? What is the message we’re sending to these young ladies? And who are the creepers designing these things?

Seriously. Somebody please explain the logic to me. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

Men are not capable of understanding ‘Forrest Gump’

Forrest Gump“Forrest Gump” is the ultimate female fantasy film, according to asshole Uncouth Marie.

The first time I saw “Forrest Gump,” on a rented Blockbuster videotape in 1995, I was in a daze as the final credits rolled. If I had been a cartoon character, I would have had stars dancing around my head like Wile E. Coyote. I turned to my boyfriend and said, “What’d you think?”

“Chick flick,” he declared — and I knew our relationship was doomed.

Just kidding. (We split up because I was a jerk who thought owning a vagina could prevent a person from comprehending a universally beloved classic, like, let’s say “GoodFellas.”) But men don’t get “Forrest Gump.” It’s not really a prison drama, like “The Shawshank Redemption.” It’s more of a female fantasy picture — “Sex and the City” with leg braces instead of Manolo Blahniks, the “Princess Bride” minus rodents of unusual size.

“Forrest Gump,” which enjoyed its 20th anniversary last year, takes place in a world women dream about. Way down deep in the kitten brain, Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks), Jenny Curran (Robin Wright) and Sally Field (Mrs. Gump) play out the dream scenario every woman wants: To be endlessly pursued by a dimwitted rich guy with a dead mother. Men sense that they are basically moronic utilities in this fantasy, and it bothers them.

Jenny PeaceJenny takes off with a hotter guy to fuck until Forrest gets rich, which is part of the movie’s enduring appeal to women.

For most of the movie, Jenny never really has to work (save for the one fun job she has where she gets to play guitar naked), which frees her up to spend the days and nights doing what gals love above all else: snorting cocaine, fucking random dudes, wearing sexy outfits, and keeping your admirer trapped in the friend zone.

Keeping your admirer trapped in the friend zone means acting cheerfully around a guy you don’t intend on sleeping with while they solve all your problems, preferably by punching your abusive boyfriend or tearing down a house of bad memories. (Jenny always had Forrest in the friend zone. In “Friends,” Rachel Green made Gunther fetch her coffee.) Men (except obedient doormats) cannot be present for friend-zoning because men are the get-your-buddies-laid police: They get butt-hurt and protest that someone’s not being fair. They can’t appreciate the fun of getting a man to buy your drinks and then blowing him off all night. In the female fantasy, all of this whining is unforgivable — too serious, too boring. Look at my titties in frustration, buy me another another drink.

To a man, Jenny is a psychologically-damaged cock tease. To women, she’s exquisite, she’s a hero. She rules the roost. From a young age, Jenny always has a friend on the bus and a guy to carry her school books. She doesn’t have to earn a living because she’s beautiful and can always find a ride. As she puts it, “Run, Forrest, Runnnn!!!!! To the jewelry store and buy me a necklace.” Unfortunately, that last part of the quote was edited out in post production. The fact that she eventually moves into his lovely estate — and that, at any moment, Forrest could die from his own stupidity — just makes the stakes higher, the fantasy more exciting.

When the “Entourage” boys sit around and play their video games, they’re a tightly knit clique — but their rule is to always be complete self-absorbed douche drizzles, usually to the endless parade of women they stick their dicks into.

As “Forrest Gump” shows us, men can actually be pretty easily ruled by women. It’s spotlights the painful truth to all men: At any moment, you can fall helplessly in love with just one woman who will bang a bunch of other dudes, move into your house, and possibly give you AIDs.

At its core, “Forrest Gump” is a story of friend-zoning behavior, which we see in this classic scene where Forrest protects Jenny from being disrespected while naked on stage. He defends her honor and keeps his eyes away from her lady bits. For all his chivalry, Jenny blows him off and gets into a stranger’s truck, not even giving Forrest a pity kiss goodbye as he heads to Vietnam.

The rule is, be sexy, ignore his feelings, and always keep the party going.

Wesley (the unfortunate fellow who gets beat down by Forrest), interrupts Jenny’s friend zoning ways despite the fact that he is uglier, and possibly even dumber than Forrest. He has nothing to offer Jenny, save for the taste of the back of his hand. Yet, he’s the one that leaves with the girl. A valuable reminder to all men that good deeds do not go unpunished. The bad boy will always nab your girl.

Even when it looks like Jenny is going to stay with nouveau riche Forrest and be his girlfriend, she doesn’t actually talk to him. She just lets him prattle on about ping-pong and then hyper-focuses on the original bad boy in her life, her father. Luckily, hero Forrest is there to tear down her painful walls.

But still, he begs her for requited love. It’s only once he’s shut the door on her does she feel compelled to even consider having sex with him. After he puts more flowers in her free bedroom, anyway.

What would “Forrest Gump” be like if it were told by a man? I mean, a REAL man, not that pantywaist Robert Zemeckis.

Meet a total doormat called Forrest Gump. Blue-balled to near death by a hot hippie blonde, Forrest spends his whole friggin’ life trying to get his dick wet. And what does he do to make that happen? He teaches Elvis Presley to dance. He becomes an All-American football champion. He shakes hands with Kennedy and gets a Medal of Honor from President Johnson for being a war hero in Vietnam. He saves lives, breaks Watergate clean open, and helps a disabled vet. He builds a successful shrimping boat empire, makes millions of dollars, helps up-start Apple, and wins international Ping Pong championships. After doing all this stuff, the girl has sex with him only one fucking time and then leaves him. At least the bitch had the decency to die of AIDs.

And who would want to watch that movie?

Myths of MGTOW

MGTOW is a whole lot more than just the dumbest acronym you’ve ever heard of (pronounced ‘mig-tau’). It’s a fresh new take on misogyny where men avoid women in person while bashing them online. MGTOW stands for “Men Going Their Own Way,” which I’m guessing they had to use because MWPNTCAWBSATFTBATIOF (Men Who Pretend Not To Care About Women But Spend All Their Free Time Bitching About Them In Online Forums) was already taken.

GTAV

I first learned of MGTOW, the Manosphere, and PUAHate last year when Elliot Rodger, a 22-year-old virgin, shot and killed six people and injured 14 others in California because he was butt-hurt about not getting laid and was jealous of his college buddies who seemed to have an easier time with women.

Since then, I have been fascinated with this movement and have read countless Facebook posts, sneaked into forum discussions, and listened to dozens of faceless YouTube videos where these MGTOW guys ask you to “swallow the red pill” (thus, ruining The Matrix) and learn the truth about the world.

But when it comes to MGTOW, truth is in short supply.

MYTH #1: MGTOW IS NOT A HATE GROUP

Members of MGTOW would like you to believe that they are not hateful or angry, and that their choice to avoid women is based in logic. Their mantras go something like this:

  • The system is stacked against men, especially when it comes to child support, custody, and alimony.
  • There are no benefits to being with a woman, so why bother?
  • Pretty much all women are manipulative, disrespectful, gold-digging, (insert despicable stereotype here), etc. But it’s not their fault. That’s just how they are biologically, and you can’t change it.
  • MTGOW is a healthy celebration of men and men’s rights.

If MTGOW was truly about male empowerment and protecting/advancing men’s’ rights (and there are already great groups that genuinely do that), they would not need to spend so much time on the Internet putting women down.

Let’s face it, the moment that you say “all (insert entire race/religion/gender here) are (insert unflattering stereotype here), so let’s avoid them or treat them in a certain way,” you’re preaching hate.

It’s like the KKK. If you don’t care about other people seeing your browser history, go visit their website at KKK.com. They don’t sell themselves as a hate group either. They’re “The Knights Party.” Doesn’t that sound neat? Their slogan is “Bringing a Message of Hope and Deliverance to White Christian America! A Message of Love NOT Hate!” It’s just white pride, people. No hate to see here.

However, as a pasty-faced whitey from the Midwest who’s known and encountered her fair share of KKK members and sympathizers, I can tell you that they don’t spend hardly any time promoting white pride. They’re not trying to build statues to white heroes. You won’t see a guy in a white hood at the local fair trying humbly to sell you artisanal mayonnaise or a velvet Elvis (aka, the cuisine and artwork of his people). KKK members do not gyrate awkwardly in GAP stores trying to demonstrate native dances.

Nope. Because once you venture off the official website, KKK clearly spends their time putting down basically anyone who isn’t white, Christian, or straight. Of course, many KKK members still deny hate. For example, Daniel Carver, a former Grand Dragon of the KKK and a frequent guest on the Howard Stern Show, insists that he doesn’t hate black people. He just basically thinks of them as monkeys and lesser animals who are not human and cannot help their behaviors.

MGTOW has the exact same attitude towards women, only they’re not as savvy as the KKK, who at least avoids trash-talking on their website.

MYTH #2: THEY GO IT ALONE

There are a few people in my life, both men and women, who completely suck at relationships. Everyone has at least one friend or relative who clearly suffers from psychological issues that prevent them from picking or keeping decent partners. That’s fine. Monogamy isn’t for everyone, marriage isn’t for everyone, and certainly having children isn’t for everyone.

A lot of men have been gong their own way for years, and I’m not even talking about the gay ones. Some even do it accidentally by getting into death metal or comic books in a big way. There are notable celebrities who avoid committed relationships with women – Henry Rollins and Bill Maher spring to mind. Choosing to restrict yourself from committed relationships is perfectly fine. Heck, you may be doing the world a great big favor.

But getting online and blasting 50+% of the population, accusing them of being domineering, selfish, or crazy, is not independence. It’s hate.

It’s worth noting that many of the younger MGTOW members are obviously hoping their new-found independence will somehow make them more desirable to chicks. What color is the ironic pill? Purple?

Spend time in their forums, and you will see some hilarious posts from men who clearly have no idea how to have normal relationships, and treat women like a bad drug addiction they need quit cold turkey. My favorite, was from a guy (let’s call him Bob) who went MGTOW for three years, decided he needed sex with a hot chick 12 years his junior, and then let her move in with him two days later. This girl likely had another boyfriend, which worried Bob, because he was pretty sure he was in love, having known this girl for nearly two weeks. Instead of advising Bob to see a shrink, or learn basic relationship pacing skills, his ever-supportive MGTOW pals all said things like, “See?!? That’s how ALL women are. Dump that slut immediately and stop being such a mangina!”

Which brings me to my next point…

MYTH #3: MGTOW CARES ABOUT MEN

MGTOW only cares about MGTOW men. If you are a guy who is kind to women, would maybe enjoy a committed relationship, or even *gasp* get married, they will call you a white knight or a mangina. A mangina is a “feminized, pussy-whipped loser who actively seeks a woman’s approval hoping he can get into her pants.”

White Knight

MYTH #4: MGTOW HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH LOGIC

Let’s be clear. There is no MGTOW research institute. They don’t offer statistics or facts to back up any of their points. In fact, MGTOW.com endorses the use of sweeping generalizations: “Generalizations are absolutely necessary in order to learn anything.”

Many MGTOW videos, like this recent one posted by Sandman actually urge their followers to ignore facts and statistics (they’re all a conspiracy in red pill world), and focus more on emotional experiences. If a woman did this, they would surely label her irrational and hysterical.

In my own personal experience, about 80% of the straight women I know earn more than their men, make as much as their men, or live on their own without a man’s financial support. If I were to make generalizations based on my own myopic experiences, I could boldly state that most men are slackers who don’t have as much to offer as women do. Do you want to see that web site? Of course you don’t. You know why? Because we all know that’s not true (I am a white knight for the men folk). Generalizations are completely useless and a good indication that the person relying on them has no idea what they’re talking about.

Here are the actual facts MGTOW would prefer to ignore or deny:

So rather than making false assumptions based on stereotypes and relying on generalizations of bitter men who hyperfocus on the negative female experiences they have in their life, allow me to reiterate the facts:

Women are breadwinners nearly half the time, despite the fact that they still do the majority of housework and child-rearing. They are becoming more educated, making higher wages, and like men, are becoming more inclined to stay unmarried.

It would seem women have already been going their own way for quite some time. So why are these guys so desperate to assert even more independence? Perhaps instead of extolling the virtues of swallowing red pills and valuing generalizations over facts, these MGTOW fellows should try to get more boys into college.

MYTH #5: MGTOW HAS REDEEMABLE SOCIAL VALUE

Of course it doesn’t.

It could. It could be a great champion for men’s rights, spotlighting male domestic abuse, and driving better educational opportunities for boys. Or it could act like an alcoholic support group where members share their best tricks to abstain from something they can’t handle. This is a good example, because you don’t see alcoholics just sitting around and insulting liquor – they realize the problem lies within themselves. But MGTOW members, like all people who don’t accept their own role in failed relationship patterns, will never grow into anything but resentful, and maybe even violent.

If MGTOW started out with good intentions, it has now certainly devolved into a movement of extremely angry men set out to alienate anyone who does not believe what they do. They just rant about terrible women and the men who love them. Just like Elliot Rodgers.

Unfortunately, the one truth that MGTOW leaders get right is that this is a growing movement. Since 2009, MGTOW organizations have grown tremendously, as have their online presence.

I shudder to think what impact this movement will have in the future.

I prefer to remember the good ole’ days before the Internet. Back then, if you had bad experiences in life, you would share them with immediate friends and family members, most of whom would provide diverse perspectives derived from their very different experiences. Eventually, you would get over yourself and rejoin society, hopefully learning from your mistakes.

But now, you can take your negative experiences, share them exclusively with others who share those same experiences, making new friends who offer no differing viewpoints and can only pile on the animosity. No healing or growth takes place. Just venting to the point of isolation from normal society and spending all your time online with people who can’t help you keep your inner asshole in check.

And we all need people to help keep our inner assholes in check.

Even me.

Sigh.

Hand me a blue pill.