Weird Things We Learned in 2015

Celebrities and assorted whack jobs expanded our horizons and vocabularies in 2015. Here are some of the takeaways:

 2015 Year in Review

You Can Be ANYTHING You Want To Be

Perhaps the most intriguing lady of 2015 was Caitlyn Jenner, who at the age of 65 was the oldest woman ever featured on the cover of Vanity Fair. She won Glamour Magazine’s “Woman of the Year Award” despite not having been a woman for even a full year. Perhaps a “Best Newcomer Award” would have been more appropriate.

Caitlyn shocked the nation with her unexpectedly stunning looks while she narrowly avoided vehicular manslaughter charges. What a fast learner – she was only a woman for a few months before she started driving like one.

But just as soon as we were warming up to Caitlyn, we were introduced to a young lady with a spray tan and a dream, Rachel Dolezal, who was exposed as a white woman pretending to be black. She was president of the Spokane chapter of the NAACP, which in Spokane stands for “National Association of Artificially Colored People.” Rachel introduced Americans to a new word: Transracial. It finally became okay to be the race you identified with rather than the race you were born into. Across the country, white women asked hairdressers for “The Rachel” and sashayed proudly out of salons with heads full of weaves and braids.

poor black child

Then things went from weird to sad, as we were taught a new phrase: Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID) – a rare condition causing able-bodied people to believe they are supposed to be disabled. Enter Jewel Shuping, who dreamed of being blind since she was a little girl. She became so obsessed with losing her sight that she paid a psychologist to pour drain cleaner into her eyes. Afterwards, she gradually lost her eyesight and is now almost completely blind.


Perhaps the best “you can be anything you set your mind to” story came from Canada this year, when a 52-year-old Canadian father of seven changed his name to “Stefonknee Wolscht” and decided to live a new life as a six-year-old girl. Transgender. Transage. Transresponsibilitylevel. He even found a nice couple to adopt him (her?). Adulting clearly isn’t for Stefonknee. His children must be super stoked about this transition.

 Stefoknee Wolscht

These inspirational stories remind us that we can be anything. Transfinancial. Transbeautiful. Transathletic. Heck, be all three if you’re a rich, buff stunner trapped in a poor person’s out-of-shape body.


Food Addiction Can Lead to Mild Pedophilia

Since losing 235 pounds, the uncharismatic Jared Fogle has been riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels, making millions of dollars off his old fat pants and that toothy, awkward smile. For over 15 years, Subway, one of the fastest-growing franchises in the world, has inexplicably relied on this unlikeable creature as their only spokesperson.

Jared somehow convinced Americans that eating substandard lunch meat was a smart, health-conscious decision. His “Eat Fresh” slogan inspired customers to wait in slow lines for crummy ingredients served by “Sandwich Artists” who need repeated instructions during every step of their art-making process.

The Subway diet became a national sensation. Devotees lost hundreds of pounds trying to horn in on Jared’s national commercial campaigns. It didn’t matter to Subway that every one of these dieters were significantly more appealing than Jared – they would not change horses in midstream.

Then one day – while signing autographs, letting strangers touch his fat pants, or whatever stupid thing he would do during his various press tours – Jared met Rochelle Herman. She was a complete stranger and a stereotypical soccer mom, so naturally Jared broke the ice by making inappropriately lustful remarks about tween girls.

In that moment, Rochelle decided to become a trusted confidant to this sick dillhole for the sole purpose of becoming an informant. For nearly 10 years, she delivered information to the FBI regarding his sex trips to Thailand, his penchant for boys and girls of all ages, and his various methods of seducing underage fans.

Jared even started a foundation to raise awareness about childhood obesity and then used it to optimize his access to young children. He strategically arranged parties with children to gain their trust and had his top executive, Russell Taylor, secretly film the victims. This continued for year after year as more children were preyed upon. The FBI sat on their hands for a decade while building a proper case.

Over time, anonymous child sex had become a monotonous routine for Jared, who was sick of bland sandwiches and craved something more exciting. Hankering for a sweet piece of forbidden fruit, Jared asked Rochelle to secretly video her own children while they were naked so that he could get his rocks off.

By now, Rochelle had had enough. It was time for the FBI to finally get off their asses and stop this monster. And stop him they did, negotiating a plea deal that charged him only with two counts: 1. Distribution and receipt of child pornography. 2. Traveling to engage in illicit sexual conduct with a minor across state lines. Jared also agreed to pay $1.4 million in restitution to 14 of his named victims.

During his trial, forensic psychiatrist John Bradford testified that Jared’s weight loss somehow led to child lust: “Once he lost weight, it seemed as though in a short time he had hyper-sexuality. There are brain disorders that can be associated with sexual drive.” He then deemed Jared’s condition to be “mild pedophilia” because the 14 victims Jared was willing to admit to were girls aged 14-17.


It’s worth noting that “mild pedophilia” is not a condition recognized by the psychiatric community. If such a condition existed, Jared’s single-minded obsession with child diddling – to the extent that he isolated himself from his own family and created an entire non-profit organization for the cause – would unlikely qualify for such a diagnosis.

When Jared was sentenced to over 15 years in prison, he reportedly sobbed about hurting his family and his wife, who would be a single mother. “You gave your wife $7 million,” the judge reminded, “so she’ll be okay.”

Sometimes is doesn’t pay to eat fresh. On the plus side, Jared will surely enjoy a few foot-longs in prison.


Naked Women are Passé

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Why pay to see pictures of stunning nude ladies when you can witness them performing every sex act imaginable for free on the Internet?

In 2015, Playboy Magazine announced it would no longer focus on naked starlets. This strategy was already successful in 2014 for the company’s website, which quadrupled its online traffic and attracted a much younger audience. The magazine will continue to publish a mixture of interviews, fiction, and investigative journalism. It will also introduce more artwork and a female “sex-positive” columnist.

2015 also marked a turning point for the famous Pirelli calendar, which changed its focus to fully-dressed, highly accomplished women instead of artfully nude supermodels. What a difference a year can make. If only Fran Lebowitz would pose in the same outfit Adriana Lima was sporting last year.


Mr. 21 is STILL the World’s Greatest Lover

Though it’s been several years since Adele wrote and recorded the album “21,” which won 6 Grammy Awards and turned Adele into a global phenomenon, the man who inspired the album still eludes and fascinates the British paparazzi.

What kind of charming, passionate, doting, 14-inch-dong-swinging, genius billionaire supermodel could provoke the rage necessary to write and repeatedly perform classic fuck-my-ex-boyfriend anthems such as “Rolling in the Deep” and “Someone Like You?” According to Adele, Mr. 21’s big crime was that he left her and moved on with his life. As heartbreaking as that album is, there are zero references about the guy stealing her money or banging her mother. He just, you know…left.

So who on Earth is this guy? Could he be the goofy-looking Slinky Sunbeam who allegedly left Adele for a Burberry model, despite Adele’s claim of never having dated Slinky? Could it be her former photographer Alex Sturrock who built a solid portfolio of Adele bedroom pics? Could it be one of many mystery men, like Giles, who call up radio DJs in London claiming to be the notorious Mr. 21?

We may never know. What we do know is that “21” was released in 2011, the year Adele supposedly released all of her demons and moved on with her life. It seemed her dreams came true when, later that same year, she started dating Simon Konecki. The pair currently cohabitate and raise their three-year-old son. Every day brings a new tabloid rumor about a possible engagement or secret wedding. Happily ever after at last.

So when she released her next album “25” in 2015, we were expecting to hear some upbeat tunes, forgetting that if she sang happy songs, she wouldn’t be Adele. She would be Meghan Trainor.

Sadly, “25” was the “I’m still clearly obsessed with Mr. 21” album, which enjoyed sales totaling $7.13 million in the US during its fifth consecutive week in Billboard’s top spot. Her album immediately skyrocketed to #1 with her hit single “Hello,” which features lyrics such as:

Hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter it clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore

That’s just the lyrics to one song. The other songs are called “Send My Love (To Your New Lover),” “I Miss You,” “When We Were Young,” and “Water Under the Bridge.” Despite having a new man and a toddler, she still finds time to relentlessly stalk her ex. Her current man must be too busy spending her money to actually listen to her music.

Mr 21., if you are reading this, please seduce and then break up with Alanis Morrisette to inspire the greatest album of all time.



Unconditional Love DOES Exist

It can’t be easy staying married to ANYONE for over 50 years. Such a thing requires deep friendship, fair fighting, daily compromises, mutual goals, shared values, and the tenacity to put up with the same un-changing bullshit year after soul-diminishing year. And that’s if you’re lucky enough to have a wonderful spouse.

The most understanding wife of all time once wrote: “Bill and I were very young when we married; he was 26, I was 19. We had to mature, we had to learn the definition of unselfish love, and we did. When we committed to each other wholeheartedly years ago, our marriage became healthy and solid. Also, we blossomed as individuals. Our marriage encompasses mutual love, respect, trust, and communication. Sound relationships must have positive reciprocity; they can’t be one-sided and strong.”

What man wouldn’t love to be married to a great friend like that? Too bad she’s spoken for. She’s been married to Bill Cosby since 1964. Her name is Camille.



And what a wonderful ride it’s been for Camille. As Bill’s career began to blossom in the early 70’s, he had many affairs with all sorts of starlets, models, and various Hollywood worker bees. Some of those affairs were even brought to Camille’s attention. She knew he was not a faithful man. Still, she remained true and raised their five children (or at least Bill’s five legitimate children) while he pretended to be a devoted husband and father on a nationally beloved television show.

In 1997, tragedy struck when the couple’s only son, Ennis, was murdered. The untimely death of a child can rattle even the world’s best marriage to its foundation, but Camille was steadfast in her love.

A few days after their son’s demise, Bill received a phone call from a young lady named Autumn Jackson, or as she referred to herself “Autumn Cosby.” Autumn, who claimed to be Bill’s illegitimate daughter, had dropped out of school. She was homeless, destitute, and pregnant with twins. Desperate for income and her father’s attention, she threatened to discuss his paternity with the tabloids if he didn’t dummy up $40 million.

As it turned out, Bill enjoyed a long affair with Autumn’s mother, Shawn Uptown, in the 70’s. Of course, when Bill first admitted to the infidelity, he downplayed it as a one-night stand. After witnesses and mutual friends came forward, it became clear that their affair had lasted for years. According to Shawn, Bill used to mix it up in the bedroom, alternating between consensual sex and drugged-up rape sessions. One of these many encounters resulted in Autumn’s conception.

In court, Bill testified that he paid $100,000 over 20 years to keep this extramarital affair a secret. He said he also paid for Autumn’s education and gave her a car. Under cross-examination, Bill admitted that he canceled a paternity test he was going to take, because he feared the media would discover it and damage his reputation. He denied that he was her father, yet refused DNA testing to confirm the truth.

With the help of his mighty legal team, Bill slapped Autumn with a two-year federal prison sentence. During Autumn’s incarceration, she gave birth to twin boys – boys who are most likely Bill’s grandchildren. She was also legally barred from ever contacting Cosby again.

Camille was fully aware of the entire case and all associated testimonies, yet stood by her man. In 2000, she evangelized the value of marital commitment to Oprah Winfrey:

“You go through a transition, if you are committed to each other. You cleanse yourself of all of that baggage, and you look at each other and determine whether the relationship is worth salvaging, whether you really love each other and want to be together. […] When we knew that we really wanted to be with each other, that we didn’t want to live without each other.”

Cut to 2004 when Andrea Constand, a lesbian basketball player at Temple University, settled a civil lawsuit after accusing Bill of drugging and sexually assaulting her at his home outside Philadelphia. With the lawsuit came the affidavits of 13 other women who shared similarly terrifying stories about pills, cocktails, and rape.

2015 has been a banner year for Cosby rape awareness. As of October there have been 55 alleged Bill Cosby rape victims and counting.



Yet forever by her man proudly stands Camille, unflappable and unwavering in her faith. She is the patron saint of co-dependency.



Color My World With Propoganda

Black Panther ColoredColoring Books Designed to Influence Children

A friend once told me a disturbing story about confiscating a coloring book from his children, which depicted people burning in hell for their sins. Apparently, this was a gift from their grandparent’s Pentecostal church.

Which got me thinking… It’s been a long time since I colored anything. I should totally color a picture of people burning in hell and mount it on my fridge.

Try as I might, I was unable to find any such coloring pages online. However, I did see many articles and blogs from people complaining about having to color graphic hell scenes while attending Catholic school, so I know this is a thing. Heck, it’s my new Holy Grail.

In my quest I have encountered far more perplexing coloring books, all with the goal of getting young children to buy into various religious, political, or bigoted ideologies.

Colors of Religion

I live pretty close to the Creation Museum, which features painstakingly produced exhibits and explanations for the Earth being roughly 6,000 years old. They’re even building a replica Noah’s Ark just a few miles from my home, which I imagine will be a pretty smelly indoor petting zoo. It’s not surprising that they offer activity books from Answers Magazine depicting dinosaurs and man living together, or animal marches into the ark. However, I find myself quite fascinated by this one, where the grown-up brachiosauruses sacrifice their lives for the good of their children and future existence. Why did this only happen with brachiosauruses? Wouldn’t it have been easier for Noah to transport all of the animals as babies?

For those of you who have never ventured to the Creation Museum, the dinosaur story goes like this: All animals existed in Eden, including dinosaurs. In Eden, all animals were herbivores. A T. rex would delicately nibble on grass until the day Adam sinned and ate the forbidden fruit. After Adam’s sin, the T. rex developed an appetite for Adam. Eventually, Noah managed to get a T. rex and his girlfriend onto his ark without getting digested, and the dinosaurs were saved along with all other animals. But the world was vastly different after the flood, and T. rex perished in the new climate.

Noah's Ark

This next one helps children stay safe from lecherous child predators – namely Catholic priests. The New York Archdiocese of the Roman Catholic Church designed this coloring book with helpful anti-molestation safety tips. I appreciate the concern for children, but this was a terrible PR move. They even made the priest in the picture look creepy. And what does the boy have his arms in? Whatever it is, they should have made it more clear in the drawing. When I look at this, I see a nervous boy being forced to massage the feet of an archbishop while a priest lies to an angel about what is transpiring.

Child Protection from Preist

If you hate heresy, you’ll love this coloring page. That space between Buddha and the tree would be a perfect place to draw a little Buddy Christ.

Hating on Budduh

What sucks about this next one is that every image I find on the inter-webs has it fairly colored already. I would have LOVED to color this little gem from a Hasidic grade school. The text translates to: “All the wild animals came to Egypt, and they devoured the Egyptians. Even from the houses the animals schlepped out the Egyptians and devoured them.”

This one is great on so many levels. I mean how cool would it be if a giraffe poked it’s head through your upstairs window, tossed your body into the street, and ate you alive while a Hasidic Jewish kid pet it peacefully as you suffered? Pretty rad if you ask me. Though it might be cooler to duke it out with that little mini Godzilla. Or whatever that green thing is supposed to be.

Animals Eating Children

Of course, when talking about religious agendas, you can’t leave out those clever Satanists, who distributed The Satanic Children’s Big Book of Activities to Florida Public Schools in retaliation after a Christian group received permission to distribute Bibles and other religious materials to public school students. Only in Florida.

Hail Satan

Color Blind Racism

I would love to say that this is merely a reflection of America’s troubled past, but given all the recent riots and police-caused deaths of unarmed black people, The Black Panther Coloring Book, and the story behind it, is more relevant than ever.

This coloring book was originally presented to the Black Panthers by an undercover FBI representative requesting an opportunity to publish the book on their behalf. The Black Panthers found the book to be completely disgusting and did not want any part of it. Unfazed by the rejection, the FBI, pretending to be the Black Panthers, added even more offensive drawings and mass mailed the coloring book across the United States. This freaked out white people, and convinced many of them to ignore legitimate issues affecting the black population.

On the plus side, it’s a coloring book, so you can color all the people and pigs any color you like.

Black Panther Pig Group MurderBlack Panther PigFun with Terrorism

Thanks to Really Big Coloring Books, the brain trust behind controversial works like We Shall Never Forget 9/11: The Kids’ Book of Freedom and The True Faces of Evil – Terror, your child can be constantly tormented with the fear of radical jihadists.

Luckily, your kid can make the smoke coming out of the World Trade Center bright pink. It’s fun 🙂


Just think of the silly hues your kid can use to color this sobbing boy’s hair. Grief can be whimsical if you just tap into the power of imagination.

9.11 Grief

Look at all the great burqa space being sported by that human shield. Your kid can totally design a cool print for a gal who’s forced to cover up her entire body, even in the privacy of her own bedroom.

human shield

And what kid doesn’t like to color a public execution scene. Am I right?


Of course, no coloring book is complete without a little humor and dismemberment. Just get a load of these hilarious fish.

Dead Osama Bin Laden

Political Coloring Books

Thankfully, the only politician I found that made a coloring book designed to genuinely appeal to children is Ted Cruz.

Oops. Wait. I have that wrong. Per and their disclaimers, this is not a coloring book designed to endorse Ted Cruz. No, this book is an educational tool based on a fair and objective review of a positive role model and a real-life superhero. Who happens to be Ted Cruz.

Check out this awesome coloring page where he wrestles the twin snakes of Obamacare and illegal immigration. This is gonna be my next arm tattoo.

Cruz Hydra SnakeAnd this will be my next tramp stamp.

Ted Cruz Eagle

The Gay Agenda

Last but not least, I present the coloring page that turned so many of my friends gay in the 1980s.

California RaisinsShame on you, California Raisins.

Shame on you.

Let’s Make This Happen: Hollywood Pitch Meetings

Every time I see a truly terrible Hollywood production, I always think of the pitch meeting that led to the millions of dollars and thousands of man-hours wasted on complete crap. This is what I imagine:


An American Love Story

Pitch Man: You are not going to believe who’s agreed to have their lives filmed for what I believe will be the greatest reality show of all time.

Hollywood Executive: Who?

Pitch Man: America’s sweetheart and America’s roughest, toughest bad boy.

Hollywood Executive: Oh my God…… You don’t mean…

Pitch Man: Yep.

Hollywood Executive: Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg?!?!

Pitch Man: You know it.

Hollywood Executive: How the hell were you able to pull that off? Those two are so hot right now.

Pitch Man: It wasn’t easy, but luckily Jenny was fired from The View and Donnie can squeeze this in with that other reality show he does. You know, the one where he rides his brother’s coattails? We just need to make sure the camera crews don’t bump into each other.

Hollywood Executive: Epic. Man, I love Jenny McCarthy. What a great health advocate. She’s like Mother Teresa, but with perfect tits and an e-cigarette addiction.

Pitch Man: I know. My son is dying to meet her. I told him he could after his measles clear up.

Hollywood Executive: So what have you captured so far?

Pitch Man: The best television you’ll ever see. I’m telling you, it’s some of the easiest work we’ve ever done. They’re naturals. There’s this one episode where they unpack and talk while unpacking. And there’s another episode where they talk about children and shit. It’s awesome. Jenny has a real talent for jumping up and down and talking about how much she loves everybody when the conversations slow down every other minute. It’s effortless.

Hollywood Executive: Love it! Americans will be DVRing this thing every week. I can’t wait for the cameos by Mark Wahlberg and Melissa McCarthy.

Pitch Man: Oh no. They won’t have anything to do with this show. Donnie Loves Jenny will only feature unknown relatives who have no charisma.

Hollywood Executive: What about that son of hers. The one with autism? I know Jenny is super protective of that kid. How are you filming around that?

Pitch Man: Oh please, we can stick a camera up that kid’s ass as far as she’s concerned. We’ve been granted full access.

Hollywood Executive: Excellent. Let’s make this happen.



Pitch Man: We’ve got an amazing zombie movie in the works.

Hollywood Executive: Fuck yeah!!! I love zombies!

Pitch Man: We booked Schwarzenegger for the lead. 

Hollywood Executive: Oh my God, yes!!!!! I am all in. I can just picture it – explosions, zombie limbs being blasted apart, Arnold knocking down hundreds Zombies with a flame thrower and saying some awesome tag line.

Pitch Man: Woah!!!!! Simmer down there, chief. We’re taking a new approach.

Hollywood Executive: A new approach?

Pitch Man: Yeah. People are tired of watching zombies get killed. It’s like that Walking Dead show. The audience gets bored with all that violence. They just wanna see the emotional conversations.

Hollywood Executive: You know, I’ve never thought of it that way, but you’re right.

Pitch Man: So here’s the new angle. What if we treat becoming a zombie the same way as someone dying of cancer? The story will be deeply personal and meaningful. Arnold Schwarzenegger finds out his daughter contracted the zombie disease and he watches her slowly become a zombie. Throughout the whole movie he grapples with the decision over whether or not to kill her. 

Hollywood Executive: Damn, that’s deep. Who’s gonna play the daughter?

Pitch Man: We got Abigail Breslin from Zombieland. She’s tired of being in good zombie movies and wants to go in a whole new direction. We’re all very excited about this.

Hollywood Executive: What city are you gonna film this in?

Pitch Man: No city. The story takes place in bum fuck nowhere. We don’t want any gratuitous violence or panic. Picture it: Sweeping shots of fields. Teenagers weeping at sunsets. Piano music. Empty swing sets as a metaphor for lost youth.

Hollywood Executive: Wow. That sounds incredibly important. This may finally win Schwarzenegger an Oscar. 

Pitch Man: No doubt. He can totally get his eyes to well up. We’ve been trying to get an actual tear to happen, but he’s so manly that his eyes just suck the tears back up.

Hollywood Executive: That’s beautiful, man. Let’s make this happen.

1400597476849.cachedMy Friend Matt

Pitch Man: So I got this friend in England who’s whining to me about his shitty love life. After giving it some thought, I figured out a genius way to solve his problems and make you millions.

Hollywood Executive: I’m listening…

Pitch Man: We dress this guy up like Prince Harry and make women compete for his love like we did with Joe Millionaire.

Hollywood Executive: Does this guy look like Prince Harry?

Pitch Man: Not really, but he’s a ginger, and he speaks with an authentic British accent.

Hollywood Executive: How do you propose we pull this off? I don’t think they’ll let us film this in Buckingham Palace.

Pitch Man: We can film the whole thing at Englefield Estate. It’s a really classy joint with a lot of history.

Hollywood Executive: Sounds stuffy. How do we get the girls naked?

Pitch Man: We can install a shitty hot tub in one of the garden areas and change up some of the interiors to skank things up. We can also put the girls in bikinis and have them square off in a beauty pageant.

Hollywood Executive: Hmmmm…. What about your friend. Is he likeable?

Pitch Man: Oh yeah, very approachable. I think audiences will relate to him because he’s really dull and broke. In fact, he has to borrow his friend’s bike to get to work every day. But he really wants to find a woman who loves him for just being himself, you know?

Hollywood Executive: Wow. He sounds like a great and honorable man. The kind of soulless, stuffy ginger audiences will root for.

Pitch Man: He is. And to help him find his true love, I’m gonna round up the dumbest gold-digging whores I can find. I already lined up a few chicks who failed their auditions for The Bachelor, but they still might be a little too smart.

Hollywood Executive: You’ll need to dig deeper than that. A true gold digger will at least know what the royal princes look like, and that there would be no way in hell the Queen of England would ever allow her grandson to marry an American woman who made such a spectacle on national television.

Pitch Man: My next move is to see who they won’t let on Jersey Shore. After that, I’ll work my way through the pageant circuit, and if that doesn’t work, I’ll visit some brain trauma centers.

Hollywood Executive: Good plan. Just make sure they pass the bikini test. I don’t want any uglies or fatties.

Pitch Man: What about their personalities?

Both men stare at each other for a moment and then burst out in laughter, unable to keep their faces straight.

Pitch Man: Just kidding. We’ll keep the liquor cabinets fully stocked. The important thing is that we connect my friend Matt to his soul mate.

And this is a big win for you too. It’s a no-fail premise that we can recycle year after year. Maybe next year we’ll have a guy who sort of looks like Leonardo DiCaprio or maybe get a frat boy to pretend he’s a Saudi prince. People love it when gold diggers get taken down a notch.

Hollywood Executive: Oh, yes. This is WAY better than that show you pitched last year about tricking guys into dating ugly girls. That shit was depressing.

Pitch Man: We wanna call this thing “I Wanna Marry Harry.” Whatdya say?

Hollywood Executive: I’m in. Let’s make this happen.

Theme Park Improvements That Will Rock Your World

After an exhausting 14 hours at Disney’s Magic Kingdom, my party became separated as many helpful “cast members” with glowing batons took turns hustling my scooter-riding mother off all the main sidewalks during the fireworks extravaganza. We walked nearly a mile (topping off 10 miles according to my Fitbit) before I helped my aging parents find an acceptable place to rest and eventually reunite with the rest of the group, which included children who were running on fumes.

Just as I was thinking “Fuck Mickey Mouse. Fuck him in both of his big, stupid ears,” the creepiest woman on Earth glided into my vision in an eerie, diagonal motion. “Hello,” she said with a fake grin that failed to suitably mask how much she clearly hated her job. “I am here to collect guest feedback and would like to know what you thought of tonight’s presentation.” I brushed her off quickly without explaining how I was unable to even see the presentation because I was too busy trying to help my mom find a place to park her scooter. And frankly, after a week of visiting various theme parks and animal attractions from Tampa to Orlando, the fireworks were least among my complaints.

Since then, I’ve given this matter some thought, and if you’re out there creepy lady, please forward the below suggestions to your “imagineers” or “producers,” or whatever dipshit titles Disney bestows upon senior executives.

Improve the Line Rides

Nothing sucks more than waiting over an hour to go on a ride, especially when you stand in these lines for the majority of the day. While I appreciate efforts made to make the experience slightly entertaining with props, funny signs, and the occasional interactive gadgets, you can do MUCH better in this department.

Most of these lines, especially when they are outdoors, are constructed of fences or railings that trigger a child’s biological need to jump and climb in inappropriate locations. I’ve personally witnessed two children, on separate occasions, playing on log fences and iron rails, cracking their heads right open while blood poured out during their wait for the next attraction.

Another frequently used design feature is twine ropes. Really? Twine? It’s 900 degrees out. I’ve got my shorty shorts on. Why should I suffer twine burns on my thighs because small children feel compelled to turn every hanging rope they see into a swing?

Look, theme park geniuses, I know it’s not your fault that kids are so antsy, but you know as well as I do that their never-sit-still behavior is entirely predictable and should be better contained for the safety and sanity of all your guests. Kids in these lines all think alike. They are Borg. They all share the exact same, OCD-like tendency to tap the top of every post. They will treat all rails as jungle gyms. They will sit and scooch along every curb at butt height and get frustrated on the parts of the curbs their butts didn’t get to touch.

How do you change this? I’m sure you masterminds can refine my rough ideas, but here are my initial thoughts: All lines should be indoors to protect your guests from rain and sun damage. As long as there is a roof, you can devise pulley systems that suspend soft, plush rope from the ceiling. If you cleverly combine colorful rope and strong velcro, you can create whimsical child restraints that prevent your child from jumping, playing, grabbing, or even speaking. And kids will love it too. Just add velcro crowns and draw giant smiley faces on their gags, and they will never want to leave the line.

This mock up illustration will give you an idea of what I’m talking about:


Upgrade the Food and Drinks

Theme park food hasn’t changed much since I was a kid. It’s all the same boring hot dogs, cotton candy, etc. The only change seems to be those disgusting, sticky Dippin’ Dot things that taste nothing like ice cream. As much as I enjoy confections made with liquid nitrogen, I think this is a big opportunity for improvement. It’s not like you are offering any nutritional value, so why not go completely ape shit with the junk food?

Deep fried treats sweep the nation every summer through various state fairs. Why haven’t theme parks caught onto this trend? Why are there no giant deep-fried Mickey Mouse heads made up of three giant Oreo cookies and covered in powdered sugar? How come Legoland hasn’t made deep-fried building blocks with Pop Tarts? Why can’t you get Shamu nibblers made from dee-fried orca whale bits at SeaWorld? Don’t even get me started on the chocolate-covered, bacon-wrap concepts you can explore.

The beverage situation is what really pisses me off. At least Bush Gardens provides beer for its guests. Most other theme parks force their adult guests into sobriety by offering extremely limited, or worse yet, no alcoholic options. Listen, Legoland. If you want me to endure the endless stream of the “Everything is Awesome” song, you’d better be plying me with cocktails in the process. Imagine how cool it would be to hand a mother a bright green appletini with a little Lego man inside. The mother would be much more relaxed while the children insisted on her ordering enough cocktails to ensure every kid gets a Lego man. Profits would be had. Kids would get toys. Somewhere, an angel would get its wings.

Quaker Steak and Lube has already perfected this concept, making it socially acceptable to drink in front of your kids. Heck, if you make the toys cool enough, the kids will demand you drink more. Here’s a picture of their “Duck Duck Goose” cocktail, and the reason why my bathroom has about 60 rubber duckies.

Duck Duck Goose

Make Animal Attractions Interactive

You know what’s even more exciting than getting a marginally attractive college cheerleader to balance on a dolphin’s nose while “Ya’ll Ready for This?” plays ever-so-predictably in the background? Animals that interact directly with the children.

One of the more unusual stops on my Floridian trip was a pilgrimage to the Clearwater Marine Aquarium, which is a marine hospital that lets visitors gawk at handicapped sea creatures. This place draws tons of foot traffic from animal-loving fans of the movie “Dolphin Tale” and its sequel, which feature Winter, a boring, gimpy dolphin who lost its tail to a crab net entanglement. Winter just floats around like a lump, never using the prosthetic tail that Morgan Freeman builds for him in the movie. When you visit this aquarium, they show you a bunch of different prosthetic tails made for this dolphin, but they are just plain plastic or rubber. Why not give Winter a super awesome electronic tail with remote control capabilities? Doesn’t that sound like a lot more fun to watch than just a depressing, stumpy dolphin for $20+ a ticket?

In every animal attraction, at least one animal should be outfitted with an electronic device that elicits specific responses. With modern day shock collar technologies and Pavlovian fear conditioning methods, the possibilities are endless. In Winter’s case, a kid could press a green button to make Winter flip, a yellow button to make him squeak, or a red button that makes Winter swim to a specific area of the tank for photo ops.

This concept could be more easily applied to land mammals. Bush Gardens could totally charge me another $10 if I got to send mild electronic shocks into a zebra for a really cool selfie opportunity.

Consider the Comfort of Your Guests

A significant portion of your visitors suffer from physical handicaps, obesity, laziness, or worst of all, small children. These people require strollers and scooters, and you offer them very conveniently (thank you), but you forgot to expand your facilities to accommodate them. All main park routes should have a special lane for scooters and strollers so bitches on wheels can stop rolling all over my feet. And here’s a thought – why not make the gift shop aisles wide enough so that these people can actually maneuver through the stores? Certainly I’m not the first to suggest this to you.

How about rides that encourage people to nap? I mean, let’s face it. Most of these theme parks have at least one ride so lame that visitors frequently fall asleep on them anyway. Why not officially designate them as such? For example, the Magic Kingdom has “The Carousel of Progress” attraction, which is basically a quaint, animatronic presentation in an endlessly rotating theater. It’s nicely air conditioned and if they installed reclining seats and noise-cancelling headphones, and allowed guests to stay for as long as they liked, children would be a lot less cranky come fireworks time.

The Time Has Come

Much like Jonas Salk, I will not patent or profit off of my brilliant ideas. I just humbly request that you implement them for the betterment of humanity.