Train Wreck Facebook Friends

shocked-woman-on-computer-40s-horizLet’s face it, we all love watching our friends behave idiotically on Facebook. But here’s the scary truth about train wreck Facebook friends: You might be one of them.

How many of these train wrecks do you have in your newsfeed?

IdiotGuruIdiot Guru

Ever notice that friends who dole out the most advice on Facebook are the ones who consistently make the poorest life decisions? People who enjoy steady employment, stable relationships, and robust savings accounts never feel the need to share their wisdom on Facebook. You know why? Because genuinely successful people assume their adult friends already know the value of hard work, budgeting, and dating respectable people.

Not Idiot Guru, who assumes every word he/she types is being anxiously read by a moronic public desperate for his/her unique brand of exasperated common sense. Idiot Guru feels compelled to share wisdom that inspires and informs no one. Of course, Idiot Guru is usually young and attractive, and will get a ton of likes from horny followers who further feed the delusions of grandeur.

Idiot Guru changes career ambitions every week and espouses the importance of following your dreams. With great conviction, Idiot Guru will give parenting advice, despite having never raised any children. If Idiot Guru decides to stop drinking for a week, you will surely see posts about the benefits of sobriety, because of course, you would never know, you big, stupid drunk, you.

When Idiot Guru finds happiness in a relationship that lasts for more than three weeks, there will be public declarations of love and admiration for the new partner followed by heavy doses of basic bitch relationship advice. This will inevitably be followed by posts that caution you to only surround yourself with deeply committed people after the Idiot Guru’s partner tires of the shit and eventually leaves.

Open WoundOpen Wound

Speaking of Facebook friends who love to tell you what kind of people you should have in your life, let’s all give thanks to Open Wound who is always there to remind us what it takes to build and sustain co-dependent relationships.

This person’s emotional wound is open – not gaping. Open Wound will never just come right out and say “That obnoxious jerk stole my money and slept with my assistant,” because Open Wound wasn’t outright disrespected. No, Open Wound will passively-aggressively post heartbroken memes in an effort to let the ex, who is still a Facebook friend, witness Open Wound’s newly-found strength and independence since the break-up. And after months and months of memes, you will surmise that Open Wound was most likely dumped for a good reason. But Open Wound, always the victim, will continue to post the same ole’ tired crap.

Open Wound, if you are reading this, please know that this is what people think when they see your memes:

Marilyn-Monroe-QuoteUnless you have the sex appeal of Marilyn Monroe, no self-respecting person will put up with your nonsense. Instead of judging others for not being able to handle you at your worst, try judging yourself for not giving your best.

co-dependent quoteIf the situation is that you’re a total douche drizzle, people will leave you. Even people who truly love you.

imagesYour ex already knows this and is hoping you take the hint already.

Political CutthroatThe Political Cut Throat

Discussing politics on Facebook can be tricky, especially if you have a long list of Facebook friends representing diverse political opinions. Since personal Facebook accounts are mostly about communicating with people you actually know and presumably care about, most passionate politicos have relegated their beliefs to more appropriate online forums, or have at least learned to discuss their leanings in non-offensive ways.

Not Political Cut Throat, who has the only political opinion that matters, and is more than happy to jettison close, personal relationships in the name of political righteousness. Political Cut Throat is quick to point out that those who don’t share the same beliefs are stupid. Having never learned the fine art of debating, Political Cut Throat doesn’t just attack issues, he/she personally attacks people who offer opposing viewpoints.

Political Cut Throat has a surprisingly long list of masochistic friends who continue to engage in these insulting battles until they ultimately decide to hit the “Unfriend” button. Political Cut Throat loves when that happens, as it proves just how easily butt-hurt people from (insert political party here) can be. Eventually, the masochistic friend will come back for more, and the cycle of stupidity will continue.

jon-and-kate-gosselinBaby Momma/Daddy Hater

Guys slam their baby’s mama because the bitch is a crazy, lying manipulator. Women slam their baby daddy’s for being deadbeat and irresponsible. These haters remind us of the importance of properly vetting a person you create a human being with. They also remind us how lucky we are that Facebook was not around when we were children.

The Baby Momma/Daddy Hater is quick to publicly vent about their problems despite the fact that anything they post on Facebook can be kept permanently and even used against them in a court of law.

Ironically, these people promote themselves as good parents while committing potential harm to their children. It’s kind of like watching Maury Povich. One day that adorable “You ARE the father” baby will grow up and see the episode where his dad decided to call his mom a skank ho on national television. Venting public opinions on Facebook is pretty much the same thing. You are making your child’s situation public to a general audience, and anything terrible you say about the other parent (whom your child also loves) can come back to bite you in the ass.

The best of this breed, of course, are the parents that hate on multiple baby mommas/daddies, expecting some sort of public sympathy. One terrible baby parent = shame on baby parent. Two terrible baby parents = shame on you.

underthebusPartner Chucker

Before the advent of Facebook, Partner Chucker used to bitch about personal relationship issues to only the closest of friends like a reasonable, respectful human being.

Perhaps Facebook is too confusing, and Partner Chucker doesn’t realize that everyone, including the partner and all their mutual friends, can read the humiliating posts. Perhaps Partner Chucker genuinely believes the partner wants the world to know about his or her private business. Perhaps Partner Chucker thinks personal relationship problems are best solved by large juries of acquaintances. Perhaps Partner Chucker operates under the delusion that Facebook friends will be truly sympathetic.

No. Facebook friends don’t sympathize with Partner Chucker. They sympathize with the partner that got thrown under the bus.

Thrown under the bus for petty reasons, by the way, because Partner Chuckers tend to focus solely on minor relationship issues. In their minds, there are certain problems you keep private, and certain problems you advertise in an attempt to publicly shame the usually well-meaning partner. That’s why their posts solicit advice about how to address a disappointing gift, an insensitive remark, or any number of other reasons they’re not feeling perfectly loved and prioritized at that particular moment.

Even worse are the enabling friends who reassure Partner Chuckers and validate their absurd feelings, posting “supportive” comments to further divide the couple. “Of course you deserved the surf and turf dinner. Don’t settle for less.” These so-called “friends” are just trying to see if they can squeeze more drama out of a rag drenched with the tears of impossibly high expectations.

nevergohungryThe Tireless Struggler

Life is trying for everyone. As great as people act like they have it on Facebook, nearly everyone wishes they had more money, more time, and a better body. It’s part of the human experience. Tireless Struggler likes to frequently remind people just how hard life can be, and is always determined to beat the odds to achieve some perceived level of success.

The problem with Tireless Struggler is that the posts become tedious with repetition. Goals are never achieved. Oh, but just you wait. This time, with tenacity, Tireless Struggler will finally make things happen.

Despite great efforts, Tireless Strugglers do not inspire others or themselves. It’s inspiring to hear about a successfully achieved goal and how anyone can attain it. People who harp about their unending struggles only remind us all how friggin’ tough life can be. And yes, these stories are very relatable – we all have hurdles. Occasional pleas for encouragement are fine, but repeatedly whining about the same conquerable thing makes you sound completely ineffective.

Scientific studies have repeatedly proven that people who announce their goals ahead of time are most likely to fail and feel more ashamed by their setbacks. So maybe put a sock in it and actually accomplish something before you start boring people. With perseverance, and shutting the hell up, you can make anything happen.

I believe in you.

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Gratitude Schmatitude

People complain a lot about posting duck faces, cryptic messages, and funeral selfies on Facebook, and rightfully so, but the posts that bother me most are the overly grateful Facebook status updates people post about their significant others. And when I say “people,” I mean “women,” by far the most pervasive practitioners of this phenomenon.

Don’t get me wrong – if your man has done something actually worth noting, like surprising you with a romantic trip or spelling your name correctly in his new neck tattoo, then by all means, post away and make all your friends jealous. But the overly grateful Facebook posts for mediocre acts seem at best unnecessary, and at worst, insulting to the man being praised.

Last week, one of my girlfriends from way back posted “My hubby just brought me Diet Coke for lunch. I’m such a lucky girl!” This woman (by no means a girl anymore) has been married to the same man for 16 years and bore three of his children. She almost never posts anything about her husband on Facebook, and the one time she does, it’s about Diet Coke. I wasn’t sure what to think. Was she being sarcastic? Or was she genuinely grateful? Was this her husband’s cheap-ass way of calling her fat? Or could it be that in all 16 years of this couple’s marriage, this man never so much as offered her a refreshing beverage?

Another girlfriend a few months back posted “I’m so grateful to my husband for feeding the kids dinner while I’m sick.” Better than Diet Coke, but c’mon. Isn’t he just meeting a basic expectation? I don’t think I would consider marrying a man who wouldn’t at least feed our children on occasion, least of all while I’m sick. Women like this might as well post a photo of a toilet with its seat down with the caption “He’s always thinking of me. – Feeling Loved”

I also wonder if any of this is effective for the target audience, presumably the superhero being praised. Do men really appreciate these shout-outs? Or do they get embarrassed? I think it might be one of those gender divides.

For example, when I was single and big into online dating, I would get a decent amount of unsolicited pictures from strange men, who after a few days of non-sexual texting, felt the need to send me unsolicited pictures of their penises. Mind you, these were never impressive porn star penises, and some of them even looked quite unattractive. I always wondered, do guys do this because they think I’d genuinely like to see this? Or is he just showing me his dick like a confused monkey in some sort of desperate attempt to get any kind of attention?

Is that what the overly grateful Facebook status post is? The female version of the unsolicited cock pic?