Foolproof Strategies for the Next GOP Candidate

Because losing elections isn’t just for liberals anymore.


Dear Newest Republican Primary Candidate,

Welcome. Whether you’re a Christian conservative, compassionate conservative, tea-partier, birther, moderate republican, or any other shade of the GOP rainbow, your party needs you.

Despite what you’ve been hearing from the dildo and butt plug fear-mongers on CNN, the Republican party is doing fantastic, and you too have a fair chance in winning the 2016 Presidential Election, just so long as you stay the course and continue to follow the same time-tested strategies that have been serving the GOP so well since Reagan was in office.

Welcome to the Flock, Candidate. You Totally Have a Shot in Hell.

First things first. Put on a navy blue suit, slap on a flag lapel pin, stand in front of a mirror, and take a serious personal inventory. Are you incompetent to steer the United States through a crisis? Are you foreign born? Can you count to three? Is your name synonymous with frothy anal sex residue? Are you already a national punchline? Will your presence in this election embarrass the GOP and tarnish your party’s image?

The answers to these questions don’t really matter, because fuck it! You’re gonna run anyway.

Now is the time to make your message known, even if you’re up against 14 (and counting) other candidates. The more, the merrier. Heck, to demonstrate your confidence and loyalty to the party, you should convince reticent Republicans to throw their hats into the ring too. The GOP needs to be taken more seriously, and the best way to accomplish this is to replace the “we shall overcome” strategy with a “we shall overwhelm” approach.

To really clarify your position, and to give all your fellow presidential hopefuls a good forum (one could be your future running mate), push for one great big debate among ALL the GOP contenders. This is a very rough Microsoft Paint image of what I imagine for the “Great Debate.”

GOP DebateNot only will you be able to show off the superiority of your platform, you will also prove your ability to stand upright for 16 hours – a crucial skill to have when filibustering. Be sure to stretch your legs if you want to outlast Ted Cruz or Rand Paul during the final rounds of questioning.

Draw a Sharp Contrast to the Happiness Apparent in All That “Love Wins” Crap

Americans are so tired of watching gay couples hug, kiss, and weep tears of joy over this whole marriage equality thing. All that constant elation being shown on television and social media can be very taxing.

Sure, some of the stories being shared are pretty harrowing, such as those geriatric couples who’ve waited for decades to be married, or those heartbreaking stories of gay widows being denied hospital visits or death benefits, but don’t believe the hype. Clearly these millions of people are all just spreading their sinful agenda of dirty, filthy sex. The whole thing is just a thinly veiled appeal to lesbian grandma porn fetishists.

Stand out among the sea of rainbows by being dull, gray, and cranky. While most Americans are all warm and gooey with feelings of compassion and liberty, break out into an angry tirade about your personal definition of marriage and why it should lord over the lives and destinies of others.

Rant about the unfairness of judicial actions and propose completely meaningless solutions that will never stop the runaway train. Suggest amending the constitution – not in a way to refine the checks and balances established by our founding fathers, but in a way that prevents all Americans from getting gay married. Such an amendment would be easy to pass, since the LGBT community will surely want their marriages to be annulled after they’ve tried it long enough (if your name happens to be Newt Gingrich, then you know what I’m talking about).

If you choose to rally against marriage equality under the banner of Christianity, by all means, try to make your God and the Bible sound as mean, hateful, boring, and irrational as possible. It’s so terrifically inspiring to those who are not quite Christian, but could possibly be swayed. If you wish to put the fear of God into your constituents, just remind them about the time when Jesus sent a tornado to your hotel room when you committed adultery, or that time Jesus descended upon New York City and started burning down buildings with his magical fire breath when you divorced your second spouse. Or what about that angel who flew into your office and bitch-slapped you for working on the Sabbath? You have stories. Share them.

Ideally, you want to strive to be the very last person in the United States to accept gay marriage. History always looks favorably on the hold-outs.

Simplify Illegal Immigration: Stereotypes are Your Friend

Immigration is a tricky and sensitive issue about balancing resources, protecting our borders, allowing people from different countries to experience the American dream, and our nation’s never-ending dependency on cheap labor. Unfortunately, Americans don’t have time for nuance, details, or facts.

I mean, who wants to hear about how most immigrants arrive in this country legally and then let their paperwork expire? That’s not exciting. What’s exciting is sweaty people getting here on surfboards and jumping tall fences with machetes and rifles strapped to their back. A bunch of dudes who look like Danny Trejo killing every patrol guard in their paths for the privilege of raping American women and selling drugs to their children.

If you want to sound tough on border protection, it’s imperative that you demonize immigrants. The best way to do that is to paint them with a broad brush and assume they’re all criminals without offering up tangible evidence to support your accusations. If they are brown, call them Mexican. Sure, millions of illegal immigrants come from El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Ecuador, and Brazil every year, but let’s face it, if they’re brown, they’re Mexican.

And while we’re at it, what about all those Asian illegals giving you manicures? They’re mostly brunette. Screw it, they’re all Mexican too. Especially the Filipinos. Indians are totally Mexican, as are any illegal immigrants from the magical land of Caucasia. As long as they can catch a tan, they’re Mexican. In fact, any person darker than your sweat-shop made Gap khakis is a Mexican. And you know who else is totally Mexican? Native Americans.

(Note: If accused of being racist by the liberal media, simply remind the public that racism no longer exists in this country, and that if it does, it’s only because Obama perpetuates it.)

Okay. So now you’ve assumed all immigrants are Mexican. Good. More importantly, you’ve assumed that the vast majority of Mexicans are drug mules, rapists, and other types of criminals. Check. Now all you have to do is drive that message home with the charm of a, let’s say Donald Trump, remembering not to be a total dick about it. It’s good to say things like “Some (Mexicans), I assume, are good people.” You see? Some Mexicans are good. Change your phrasing to appear more original, but keep it classy.

1076Do you know any brown people who are born in this country who oppose your conservative views? Guess what? You can label them immigrants too, just like Anne Coulter did with Nikki Haley, the American-born Governor of South Carolina, or how birthers still inexplicably label Obama a Kenyan.

Generalizing these populations is smart because illegal immigrants can’t vote, but those who fear them can. It’s not like anybody who can rightfully vote in this country has ever known, loved, been related to, hired, befriended, or worked with an illegal immigrant before. I mean, pretty much anyone who’s ever been in contact with an illegal immigrant (Mexican) has obviously been raped or robbed by them, right?

So perhaps the most intelligent way you can win the next presidency is to scare the living shit out of ignorant white folks rather than having a mature cost/benefit analysis of immigration, enabling more tax-paying immigrants to live here legally, or enforcing ethical labor practices. I mean, all that discussion sounds pretty dull. Heck, I’m falling asleep just typing this. Somebody please shout rape to wake me up.

Vow to Repeal Obamacare

Too bad Obamacare hasn’t bankrupted the country or caused the losses of millions of jobs as predicted. Sadly, 11 million people who weren’t insured before now have access to affordable healthcare, 30+ million Americans are now insured through the Affordable Care Act, and the whole thing cost taxpayers $209 billion less than projected.

It’s still a dismal failure because it’s not absolutely perfect, and it should be fully repealed, even if it causes 30 million of your future constituents to lose all their health insurance benefits. Don’t concern yourself with making the existing system better or fixing inherent shortcomings. And whatever you do, don’t propose a new plan that will inspire the country to follow a better healthcare model.

Just keep trying to convince the American people that the old way was better. Be subtle, not stupid, in your approach. Don’t try to sell the merits of pre-existing conditions or denying asthmatic children adequate healthcare. Instead, vaguely assert how great the old system was because it’s easier to revert back than to construct a better alternative.

Keep going back to the courts and try repealing Obamacare as more and more Americans sign up for its benefits. Don’t play offense and come up with a new idea. Play defense and try to keep bringing people back into the past.

But by all means, enroll in Obamacare yourself. After all, you can’t let your spouse stay employed during your campaign, so your family will need to rely on government-provided healthcare. You are forced to use this system because you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. It’s only an entitlement when other Americans use it.

Aggressively Deny Global Climate Change

Who cares if 90% of the global population and world scientists are on board with that silly “global climate change” fairytale? Stand out from the rest of humanity and show the world just how open-minded Americans can be by continuing to debate easily observable science. Hire conflict-of-interest scientists from lobby groups and energy companies to make your points sound even more legitimate.

Make your appearances in the raising water levels of Miami, on a brown golf course in California, or in a hurricane-torn New York State, and remind people that because it still snows in your neighborhood, global climate change is just baseless hysteria. Punch an empty beehive and laugh at how great it is to have fewer flying bugs in the world that can sting you. Joke about how much warmer you wish it was in January. Make absolutely no plans to deal with future population displacement, like the ones currently being experienced in Bangladesh due to ever-rising sea levels.

If you’re a Christian GOP hopeful and generally push for social laws to be based on biblical teachings, you’ll want to use this platform to show off your reasonable secular side. This is when you should finally “render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s.” I’m sure God is totally cool with you trashing the Earth He made, just so long as you don’t let people with matching genitals obtain legal benefits associated with relationship contracts.

This is also a good opportunity to finally tell-off that Pope guy. I mean, what does he know about science, what with his chemistry background, and all?

Let’s face it: This is your best chance to prove you’re not a religious nut job – just a candidate who strategically uses religion as a tool to win elections. Smile smugly and calmly discuss the value of jobs. You know, jobs? Jobs are those things you’re going to immediately jettison whenever one of your corporate sponsors wants to outsource their labor or modernize their facilities. Just keep repeating “jobs, jobs, jobs” until people see how rational you are.

Then all you have to do is make a joke about Al Gore, take your check from the Koch brothers, step into your Hummer, and drive away like a boss.

Because America loves leaders, dammit. Not crying, tree-hugging hippies.

When All Else Fails, Just Remember:

  • Appeal to a dying base. Don’t try to energize the younger generation.
  • If you’re young, brag about it, but don’t come up with any fresh new ideas.
  • Follow Reagan’s blueprint for everything, including cyberterrorism defense tactics.
  • Don’t focus on positive change. Focus on fear and outrage.
  • Make every press conference an “open carry” press conference.
  • Benghazi.

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