How You’re Just Like Hitler

Emo Hitler

Once again, people are acting appalled and butt hurt because Mike Huckabee compared Obama’s Iranian deal to the holocaust: “It is so naive that he would trust the Iranians. By doing so, he will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven.”

People have been exploiting the holocaust for political arguments for decades now, so why are people still shaken by the dumb words that fall out of Huckabee’s adorably dimpled mouth? Aren’t we all used to politicians desperately sputtering out cheap sound bites during election season? At this point, haven’t we all heard Obama being compared to Hitler in at least ten different ways?

Conservatives have taken great care to point out every similarity. The world’s best rapture-loving magazine offered their painstaking report on their Now The End Begins website. My right-wing uncle (and we all have one of those) posts pictures like this on his Facebook feed:

obama-and-hitler-comparisons

Most comparisons are about socialist-leaning political acts many national leaders have long since committed. For example, Pierre Trudeau nationalized energy programs when he was Prime Minister of Canada in the 80s. Of course, no one thinks to compare Obama to Trudeau.

To be fair, ridiculous Hitler comparisons have been made by liberals too. When George W. Bush was in the White House, liberals loved using the N-word (Nazi). Remember when that 6th grade teacher asked her students to make charts comparing Bush to Hitler? Or how about cartoons like this?

hitler-vs-bush2-550x360

While I’m not a big fan of Dubya, I would never compare him to Hitler. Roughly 4,500 American troops, and anywhere up to 500,000 Iraqis (depending on which report you read/believe) have died during Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom. I don’t think the Iraqi invasion was necessary, and the death toll is atrocious, but it’s not as though Bush set out to kill all Iraqis as a “final solution.” There were no crazy death camps. Not all acts of war are the holocaust.

Frankly, I don’t think anyone should be compared to Hitler unless they’ve spearheaded the genocide of at least 1 million innocent citizens. Take Ismail Enver Pasha, for example. He killed 2.5 million people, including 1.2 million Armenians during the Armenian Genocide. You can totally compare that guy to Hitler.

And why do we keep pointing to Hitler as the worst example of humanity? I’ll bet Stalin and Zedong are rolling in their graves – they killed way more people.

Comparing a politician to Hitler is a lazy way to get attention and an instant way to lose credibility. The time is now to change all that.


My Final Solution to Hitler Comparisons:

I have little faith that people will stop playing the Nazi card when discussing things they don’t like. As long as it gets a big reaction, people will always hit that button. So let’s take the sting out of holocaust references by incorporating them into our everyday life. Let’s start comparing EVERYONE to Hitler:

  • “Sorry you failed you math test, kid. You know, Hitler struggled in school too and then went on to run an entire country. So, you know… chin up.” (Hitler had to repeat the 6th grade and dropped out of high school without a degree.)
  • “You don’t think people should be allowed to smoke in public places? Good for you, Hitler.” (Hitler pioneered the anti-smoking movement. The scientific research he funded made the very first connection between smoking and cancer.)
  • “When I was younger, I had a Hitler-like ambition to join the priesthood.” (As a child, Hitler wanted to be a priest.)
  • “A toast to the Bride and Groom! I think you guys have an even brighter future than Hitler and Braun.” (Braun was Hitler’s mistress for 12 years until he finally decided to marry her. On the day after their wedding, the pair committed suicide.)
  • “Wow. You were REALLY efficient in organizing those files. Like, Hitler efficient.” (Nazis created highly efficient gas chambers for easy mass murders.)
  • “Oh, you attended the Rally for Medical Research on Capital Hill? You know who else held outdoor rallies? Hitler.” (Annual Nuremberg Rallies drove audiences of up to 500,000.)
  • “Damn it stinks in here. Who the hell has been farting like Hitler?” (Hitler suffered from uncontrollable flatulence and took 28 different drugs trying to fight it.)
  • “You have a very hands-off, Hitleresque supervisory style. I like that you trust your subordinates and don’t feel the need to micromanage.” (Hitler never once visited a concentration camp.)
  • “Get your elbows off the dinner table and chew with your mouths closed. I’m not trying to raise a bunch of Hitlers here.” (Hitler was reported to have poor table manners.)
  • “You buy only cruelty-free makeup? It’s kind of you to think of the animals. Very Hitler of you.” (Hitler enacted several laws to prevent animal cruelty.)
  • “Hey, why don’t you finally grow a pair, huh? Not a sad Hitler sack, but a full, manly scrotum, you big pussy!” (Hitler only had one testicle.)
  • “I regret that, like Adolf Hitler, I’ve never been to the top of the Eiffel Tower.” (When Paris fell to German occupation, French resistance fighters cut the elevator cables to the Eiffel Tower to keep Nazis and their flag off the beloved monument.)
  • “How can you possibly hate Mr. Snickelfritz? Or any cat for that matter? Look, Hitler, if you’re going to disrespect my kitty, you can just leave!” (Hitler really disliked cats.)
  • “I know it’s scary, but you’re going to have to learn how to drive. You don’t want to end up like Hitler, do you?” (Hitler never learned how to drive.)

My boyfriend wanted to get in on the Hitler fun, so I present to you:

Some of the Ways My Boyfriend Is Not Like Hitler:

  • He has a cool beard, unlike Hitler who had an ugly little mustache.
  • Unlike Hitler, my boyfriend enjoys hunting and eating meat.
  • You will never see my boyfriend drive around in a Mercedes.
  • Although I think he should totally do it, my boyfriend has never written an autobiography.
  • My boyfriend can’t paint a painting for shit.

In fact, all of these things can all be said about Cecil the Lion.

So to be clear, my boyfriend is more like Cecil the Lion than he is like Hitler.

CecilHitler

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