6 Silly Things Modern, Empowered Women Need to Stop Doing Immediately

If you’re a “strong and independent woman” that people don’t take seriously, perhaps it’s because you’re doing one of these six silly things:

1. Throwing Home Sales Parties:

Back in the 1950s, home sales party companies like Avon and Tupperware made perfect sense. They were a beacon of hope and freedom for kept women with domineering husbands who forbade all non-grocery shopping trips. Today, we have the Internet and take shit from no men. So why do women keep alienating their friends and losing money in this weird way? Nostalgia?

I’ve been tricked into FAR TOO MANY parties where the hostess lured me in with wine only to sell me jewelry, lingerie, kitchen supplies, or worst of all, $125 baskets that you would ordinarily pay six bucks for at Hobby Lobby.

partyFor some reason, men don’t think to do this. Never once has a man invited me to a party and then suddenly asked all the attendees to sit in a circle while he demonstrated nifty little office gadgets.

Sure, we all know that one token girl from high school who became a multimillionaire by selling Tupperware, but she’s the exception, not the rule. Most of these companies are just product-filled pyramid schemes who are finally, thankfully, starting to die out.

There are many ways to earn extra income without pestering acquaintances and loved ones. You could sling french fries, you could provide telemarketing services, you could design your own line of sparkly cat butthole covers, you could sell your damaged (sorry – vintage) belongings on Etsy, you could be a niche web cam girl and pop balloons with your butt. Nearly all of these options will provide a more reliable source of income and keep your friendships intact.

Unless of course someone catches her husband jerking off to your balloon popping demonstration.


2. Mistaking Narcissism for Empowerment:

Women really need to spend less time on Facebook bragging about their strength, independence, and tender hearts. Ladies, these sentiments are not true simply because you post them on Facebook. Let’s face it, the woman who posts about how “I’m the kind of person that tries to make everyone smile,” is the most depressing bitch you know, and the woman to brags about her ability to “let go” has a voodoo doll with her ex’s hair on it.

i_am_generous,-25357Aimless bragging posts only make you look insecure. They let me know that on our next girls night out, you’ll be sobbing into your second glass of wine with all the vibrant confidence of an emo poet.

Oh wait, I’m sorry – you really meant every compliment you bestowed upon yourself? My bad. You just know in your deepest heart space that you are a good, caring, and honest person, and the world REALLY needs to be alerted to this glorious truth. If you’re so altruistic, tag yourself doing volunteer work at a homeless shelter, if you’re so caring, post about how great you think other people are, if you are extremely generous, other people will surely sing your praises. That’s how the world works.

Per my favorite bit from Louis C.K. “Self love is a good thing, but self awareness is more important.”


3. Waving the Banner of Strength and Independence:

I am so sick of the phrase “I’m a strong, independent woman.” Well, what do you want for that – a cookie? Like Chris Rock, I hate it when people want credit for shit they’re supposed to do. You’re SUPPOSED to be a strong, independent woman, or as I like to call it, a “grown up.” It’s 2015 ladies. Everyone is expected to earn a living and find ways to support themselves. If you’re over the age of 25, please find something more impressive to brag about, because with the “strong and independent” nonsense you’re basically just admitting to people that you have a job and a vibrator.

This boasting about strength and independence is usually followed by the other tired old chestnut “Men are intimidated by strong women.” To be perfectly honest, I’ve never met the men these women are referring to. While I understand there are some extremely insecure, misogynistic, and abusive men out there who are genuinely intimidated by a strong woman, they are clearly the exception, not the rule. I’ve never once intimidated a man with my strength. Oh, I’ve scared the hell out of many men with my rage and my crazy, but never with my strength.

If you are intimidating the boy you are dating, trade him up for a man, and rest assured there are millions of modern fellas out there who enjoy dating successful, confident women.

If you are being assertive at work and a man complains about it, let him complain. Per Jennifer Lawrence’s brilliant essay on the topic, don’t worry about trying to be adorable all the time. The top-ranking female CEOs in this country don’t become successful by being adorable. You can never be top dog if you’re not at least as bold as the other players, so get your bark on, bitches!

Of course, if you’re intimidating every man you encounter, it’s not because you’re strong and independent, it’s because you’re scary and need to work on your communication skills.


4. Fixating on Female Bodies:

Girls with toned and tight bodies post nearly-nude selfies and tell all woman-kind to be proud of the skin that they’re in. To remind us they’re not being shallow, they end their posts with some bullshit about how it’s really the soul that matters.

Soul Selfie

Plus size girls pose in bikinis and assure all that is needed to have a bikini body is to put a bikini on your body. Bigger girls never feel obligated to make the soul disclaimer.

Everyone posts about how the super fat Marilyn Monroe (with her dumpy 23-inch waist) still somehow managed to be sexy.

It’s tough enough being a woman and knowing that every straight man you encounter is scrutinizing, judging, and evenly openly discussing your body parts as if anyone cares about their opinions. We’re all so sick of the mind-numbly dumb conversation about whether or not he’s a “boob man” or a “leg man” (Spoiler Alert: They’re really all just vagina men who will gladly accept imperfections). Let’s not amplify the stupidity any further.

Look ladies, I don’t care what “real women” look like, or what kind of bodies “real men” prefer. It doesn’t matter – everyone is different. You’re all precious little snowflakes with rockin’ hot bodies. You’re all worthy of love and great sex. Now please fixate on something more meaningful. Like the Kardashians or something.


5. Belittling Men to Empower Yourself:

No, not every man on the planet is a liar, cheater, user, or whatever awful thing you deem them to be. Like women, men are precious little snowflakes – they each suck in their own, unique way.

When you say, for example “All men are cheaters,” most people hear “I only date cheaters because that’s what I’m strangely attracted to.” Rather than hating on nearly half the world’s population, perhaps you should see a shrink, identify your triggers, change your dating habits, and find a guy who will disappoint you in a whole new way.

True feminism is the fight for equality and fair treatment. Unfortunately, feminism gets a really bad rep because with it, often comes this odd notion that men are inherently bad and have to learn good traits from women. Conversely, many feminists are under the very false impression that all women are inherently good and only do bad things as a reaction to mistreatment.

Nope. Men and women are equal. Some are bad, some are good, most are average, all will fib about how many sexual partners they’ve had.


6. Having Impossibly High Expectations:

Much in the same way I think porn has damaged the way men relate to women (particularly the way many inexplicably regard online dating sites as magical realms where women just want to be treated like walking Fleshlights), I think romantic comedies have really warped our views on what kind of lavish attention we can expect from our men. Yes, some men are incredibly romantic, just like some women are completely comfortable having sex in public with strangers – unicorns do exist. But most men aren’t going to chase you to an airport, hold aloft a boom box outside your window, or invite you to take your pick of engagement rings at Tiffany’s.

Funniest_Memes_looking-for-someone-who-likes-to-take-romantic_2024

So please stop complaining to your girlfriends about how he’s never trailed rose petals up to a bubble bath, or that his Facebook profile pic doesn’t include you, or that he got you cheap flowers. Such laments sound insane to single women, or to the many women out there who feel it’s a miracle if a man can simply remember birthdays and anniversaries.

And why we’re all at it, can we just finally agree to stop comparing ourselves to anything we see in movies, magazines, or television? It’s all fantasy. You’ll never be like any of the Sex and the City Girls, because you don’t have time to maintain daily relationships with three best friends while fucking every man in Manhattan, sustaining a successful career, and never wearing the same outfit twice. And that’s only about women who don’t have children.

My heart breaks for mothers who feel perpetually inadequate because they didn’t have time to throw that Pinterest-perfect birthday party, or because they packed on a few pounds having barely enough time to snarf down convenience foods, or because they are not in every single way the perfect mother.

We can learn a lot from men in this department. Fathers don’t stress themselves out over these things. They’re just proud of themselves if the kids don’t get injured and praise their beer bellies as a new “dad bod” craze. Next time you want to fret about not “having it all,” please check out this hilarious Twitter feed about how men can have it all too.

 

So go ahead with your bad ass self and take over the world or whatever.

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2 thoughts on “6 Silly Things Modern, Empowered Women Need to Stop Doing Immediately

  1. I love the soul selfie. It’s brilliant and everyone must know of it. I can’t stop laughing, so of course I pinned it. Much more inspiring than any bikini selfie I’ve seen. -Susannah

    Like

  2. I really feel like the soul selfie is totally what mine looks like in a bikini. Except maybe my soul might glow purple. Like a light saber. Of course my soul might cut those other bimbos in half like the butter their brains are made of. Good thing it’s like a light saber, I bet it would totally cauterize the wounds… If you cut a bimbo in half, do you end up with two the same as with worms? That would be bad.

    Like

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