How You’re Just Like Hitler

Emo Hitler

Once again, people are acting appalled and butt hurt because Mike Huckabee compared Obama’s Iranian deal to the holocaust: “It is so naive that he would trust the Iranians. By doing so, he will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven.”

People have been exploiting the holocaust for political arguments for decades now, so why are people still shaken by the dumb words that fall out of Huckabee’s adorably dimpled mouth? Aren’t we all used to politicians desperately sputtering out cheap sound bites during election season? At this point, haven’t we all heard Obama being compared to Hitler in at least ten different ways?

Conservatives have taken great care to point out every similarity. The world’s best rapture-loving magazine offered their painstaking report on their Now The End Begins website. My right-wing uncle (and we all have one of those) posts pictures like this on his Facebook feed:


Most comparisons are about socialist-leaning political acts many national leaders have long since committed. For example, Pierre Trudeau nationalized energy programs when he was Prime Minister of Canada in the 80s. Of course, no one thinks to compare Obama to Trudeau.

To be fair, ridiculous Hitler comparisons have been made by liberals too. When George W. Bush was in the White House, liberals loved using the N-word (Nazi). Remember when that 6th grade teacher asked her students to make charts comparing Bush to Hitler? Or how about cartoons like this?


While I’m not a big fan of Dubya, I would never compare him to Hitler. Roughly 4,500 American troops, and anywhere up to 500,000 Iraqis (depending on which report you read/believe) have died during Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom. I don’t think the Iraqi invasion was necessary, and the death toll is atrocious, but it’s not as though Bush set out to kill all Iraqis as a “final solution.” There were no crazy death camps. Not all acts of war are the holocaust.

Frankly, I don’t think anyone should be compared to Hitler unless they’ve spearheaded the genocide of at least 1 million innocent citizens. Take Ismail Enver Pasha, for example. He killed 2.5 million people, including 1.2 million Armenians during the Armenian Genocide. You can totally compare that guy to Hitler.

And why do we keep pointing to Hitler as the worst example of humanity? I’ll bet Stalin and Zedong are rolling in their graves – they killed way more people.

Comparing a politician to Hitler is a lazy way to get attention and an instant way to lose credibility. The time is now to change all that.

My Final Solution to Hitler Comparisons:

I have little faith that people will stop playing the Nazi card when discussing things they don’t like. As long as it gets a big reaction, people will always hit that button. So let’s take the sting out of holocaust references by incorporating them into our everyday life. Let’s start comparing EVERYONE to Hitler:

  • “Sorry you failed you math test, kid. You know, Hitler struggled in school too and then went on to run an entire country. So, you know… chin up.” (Hitler had to repeat the 6th grade and dropped out of high school without a degree.)
  • “You don’t think people should be allowed to smoke in public places? Good for you, Hitler.” (Hitler pioneered the anti-smoking movement. The scientific research he funded made the very first connection between smoking and cancer.)
  • “When I was younger, I had a Hitler-like ambition to join the priesthood.” (As a child, Hitler wanted to be a priest.)
  • “A toast to the Bride and Groom! I think you guys have an even brighter future than Hitler and Braun.” (Braun was Hitler’s mistress for 12 years until he finally decided to marry her. On the day after their wedding, the pair committed suicide.)
  • “Wow. You were REALLY efficient in organizing those files. Like, Hitler efficient.” (Nazis created highly efficient gas chambers for easy mass murders.)
  • “Oh, you attended the Rally for Medical Research on Capital Hill? You know who else held outdoor rallies? Hitler.” (Annual Nuremberg Rallies drove audiences of up to 500,000.)
  • “Damn it stinks in here. Who the hell has been farting like Hitler?” (Hitler suffered from uncontrollable flatulence and took 28 different drugs trying to fight it.)
  • “You have a very hands-off, Hitleresque supervisory style. I like that you trust your subordinates and don’t feel the need to micromanage.” (Hitler never once visited a concentration camp.)
  • “Get your elbows off the dinner table and chew with your mouths closed. I’m not trying to raise a bunch of Hitlers here.” (Hitler was reported to have poor table manners.)
  • “You buy only cruelty-free makeup? It’s kind of you to think of the animals. Very Hitler of you.” (Hitler enacted several laws to prevent animal cruelty.)
  • “Hey, why don’t you finally grow a pair, huh? Not a sad Hitler sack, but a full, manly scrotum, you big pussy!” (Hitler only had one testicle.)
  • “I regret that, like Adolf Hitler, I’ve never been to the top of the Eiffel Tower.” (When Paris fell to German occupation, French resistance fighters cut the elevator cables to the Eiffel Tower to keep Nazis and their flag off the beloved monument.)
  • “How can you possibly hate Mr. Snickelfritz? Or any cat for that matter? Look, Hitler, if you’re going to disrespect my kitty, you can just leave!” (Hitler really disliked cats.)
  • “I know it’s scary, but you’re going to have to learn how to drive. You don’t want to end up like Hitler, do you?” (Hitler never learned how to drive.)

My boyfriend wanted to get in on the Hitler fun, so I present to you:

Some of the Ways My Boyfriend Is Not Like Hitler:

  • He has a cool beard, unlike Hitler who had an ugly little mustache.
  • Unlike Hitler, my boyfriend enjoys hunting and eating meat.
  • You will never see my boyfriend drive around in a Mercedes.
  • Although I think he should totally do it, my boyfriend has never written an autobiography.
  • My boyfriend can’t paint a painting for shit.

In fact, all of these things can all be said about Cecil the Lion.

So to be clear, my boyfriend is more like Cecil the Lion than he is like Hitler.



A Straight Person’s Guide to Transgender People

Are your weird observations about Caitlyn Jenner causing you to lose Facebook friends? If so, please consult this nifty guide.


First, a bit about my expertise: Years ago, a loved one confessed his life-long struggle with his gender identity, taking me down a rabbit hole of transgender support groups, websites, articles, essays, and adventures. Over the course of an extremely busy year, I got to know hundreds of transgender people and befriended many. Here is what they need you to know:

You have at least one transgender person in your life

The transgender community is still extremely closeted. There have been many studies conducted to pinpoint the population size, but the numbers run all over the map, since the US Census does not address gender identity. Claire Cain Miller wrote a great article about all of the latest research, but one thing is extremely clear, the vast majority (70+%) of all transgender people in this country hide their true gender identity.

Transgender people come in all shapes and flavors, so it’s actually very difficult to stereotype. I’ve personally known many burly firemen, construction workers, and metal heads who loved being women. I’ve met many female-to-male (FTM) transgender people who would love to be able to grow a mustache, but still love cosmopolitans and girl pop.

You don’t know that Bob from your bowling league likes to wear a nightgown to bed, and you don’t know that Amy the office gossip stuffs socks into her panties. Heck, you may not know that your brother is truly a lesbian trapped in a man’s body, even if he jokes about it constantly. If you publicly deride transgender people, you do so at the risk of deeply offending someone you care about.


Drag queens are not the norm

Most transgender people are simply casual, work-a-day folks who wish to be themselves. They don’t spend hours blending glitter on their eyelids and perfecting Cher impressions. Drag queens are performers who create caricatures in order to entertain you. They also tend to be out-of-the-closet homosexuals who are very loud and proud about who they are. A drag queen is a walking work of art, an exaggerated homage to glamorous women. Drag queens represent a tiny minority of the transgender population.

In contrast, your average MTF (male-to-female) transgender person, who was born a man and identifies as female, will often dress very casually and wear simple make-up. That’s because your average MTF already identifies as a woman. The make-up only enhances what is true in the heart.

helenboyd-bookpartyTransgender people are not often homosexual

Gender identity and sexual orientation are two completely separate characteristics. Just think about the celebrity transgender people you know about:

Born Straight:

Caitlyn Jenner = Born a man. Attracted to women.
Eddie Izzard = Born a man. Attracted to women.

Born Homosexual:

Chaz Bono = Born a woman. Attracted to women.
Laverne Cox = Born a man. Attracted to men.


Their genitals are none of your business

Do you enjoy describing your junk to strangers? Well okay, maybe YOU do, but most of us don’t, you friggin’ pervert.

Transgender people are no different – most of them hate to be asked about their private parts, so get your mind out of their underwear.

And on that note, transgender people just want to go to the bathroom in peace. They’re not trying to slip into your stall or sneak peeks at your vajayjay. They just want to pee in convenient public places without drama.


For those of you who are still obsessed with genitalia and consumed with curiosity, just know that sexual reassignment surgeries are rarely performed, since they are mostly cosmetic, still somewhat risky, and extremely expensive. So if you really must venture a guess, odds are favorable that the genitals are the same since birth.


Their gender identity is not a threat to yours

Much like gay marriage is not a threat to traditional marriage, a person born a man, but identifies as a woman, is simply stating the gender she feels inside. This is not an affront to the painful periods you suffered, the child labor you endured, or the hot flashes you now sweat through. If you choose to be completely butt hurt because Caitlyn Jenner cannot fully relate to the trials and tribulations of being a woman, then please turn the channel, because clearly, keeping up with the Kardashians is not for you.


Sorry, but you’re no longer just “straight”

When your grandfather was “straight,” it just meant that he wasn’t high on drugs or booze. These days, you have to identify as “straight” to indicate that you are not homosexual. However, since sexual preference has nothing to do with sexual identity, “straight” is not a simple phrase that automatically distances you from all LGBT categories. Therefore, you are now “cisgender.” I’m sorry, I know it’s a lame word and perhaps someone will come up with a cooler one, but for now, to let someone know that your personal gender identity matches the genitals assigned to you at birth, you can say “I am cisgender.”


Every transgender story is different

Many transgender people have struggled with their gender identity since early childhood. Some vacillate between their male and female sides their whole lives. Some fall somewhere in between the male/female perspective. Some have a full sexual reassignment early in their life. There are many colors in the transgender rainbow, and that’s okay.

If you are straight and cisgender, you may not understand many of those colors, and that’s okay too. Gender identity can be a very confusing topic. After all, outside genitalia, what actually defines gender? You may never be able to fully relate to a transgender person because you probably don’t put a lot of thought about what makes you inherently male or female, or what it would be like to be the opposite sex – you just play the hand you were dealt.

So just keep doing that. All you have to do is be yourself and be kind to others who are simply being themselves. Respect their privacy, respect their dignity, and give them the space to express themselves without becoming hostile, rude, or worse yet, violent.

Respect is extremely necessary

The dark side to transgender people is the closets they build for themselves and the people they hurt while doing so. It’s surprisingly easy and common to hide your sexual identity from your community, your children, and your spouse. This creates distance, brings unnecessary shame, breeds heartache, and destroys intimacy. Hopefully, the day will come where no one ever has to live in a closet again, and the Kris Jenners of the world will be a thing of the past.

Even worse, being transgender in the United States can be extremely dangerous. The murder rate for transgender people is 50% higher than the murder rate for lesbian and gay people.

Adding insult to fatal injury, courts in many states still give murderers the benefit of the doubt if their victim was flirtatious. It’s called the “trans panic defense,” which absolves men of accountability for their murderous rampages should their rage be triggered by finding a penis where a vagina should be.

It’s no wonder most transgender people are still hiding in their closets.

 Being transgender is not a mental disorder, but it can be extremely stressful.

A psychological state is considered a mental disorder only if it causes significant distress or disability. Transgender people do not consider their gender identity to be distressing or disabling. However, getting the outside to match the inside, and then getting others to accept the real you, can be extremely taxing. Changing your body can be a monumental undertaking that includes counseling, hormone therapy, and expensive medical procedures. And even when you have all that under control, you need to try and alter societal perceptions in order to freely express your gender identity while facing discrimination, broken relationships, and even the threat of violence. With all this pressure, it’s no wonder that the suicide rate among transgender people is at a staggering 41%.

So please, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it on Facebook.

I’ve Officially Reached My Tolerance Limit

As people age, they inevitably face a moment in their lives where they say “Ahh, fuck it” and refuse to accept any more bullshit. Normally, this occurs with new technology or music, which is why you don’t see too many octogenarians standing in line for the newest iPhone, eager to download the latest hit from One Direction.

I always wondered what would finally tip me over the edge. What infuriating technology or tripe pop album would finally do me in? I had always assumed my breaking point would happen well past my retirement.

Nope. Today is the day. I logged onto my Facebook page and saw all the different posts about Rachel Dolezal, an extremely white lady with even whiter biological parents calling herself black and running the NAACP in Spokane, Washington. She’s an adjunct professor of African studies at Eastern Washington University. She chairs the police oversight committee to ensure black people are given fair treatment by the cops. She claims to be a victim of anti-black hate crimes. And she’s white. Really, really, white.

So now we have a new word to add to the vocabulary: Transracial.



Motherfuckin’ no.

Look, I consider myself to be an open-minded sort. I love all races and have many gay and transgendered friends. And no, you can’t really compare being transracial to being transgendered. Most transgendered people identify with their gender in early childhood and struggle their whole lives to make the outside match the inside.

I doubt Ms. Dolezal was genuinely confused about her race. Ever.

I’m roughly about as white as she is (I also get sunburned in the moonlight), and would never confuse myself with, say, a Native American. I would never be insensitive enough to wear a headdress full-time and gripe about how I, and all my Navajo brethren, have been ripped apart by the white man.

I would, however, step into her role at the NAACP if she ever gets fired, if only to fulfill an ironic hipster fantasy. I would walk past the office doors of various executives to give them pop quizzes. I would point to myself and ask “Am I black or white?” If they guessed right, I would swing by later with my hair in some braids and ask again. You gotta spot check these things.

Let’s be clear: Putting on a spray tan and bemoaning the struggles of “your people” when you have the choice of simply being the white, Swiss Miss lookin’ chick you were born to be, is bullshit. It’s black face.

And hey, if you enjoy African culture and want to wear your hair any way, go for it. Good for you. Hell, whenever I’m alone in my car and play my rap music, I totally morph into Jay-Z. So I get it. Cultural or societal expectations be damned, I’m gonna have my fun.

But when I get out of my car, I don’t continue to pretend to be Jay-Z and tell people about my history of being a drug-dealin’ hustla from Brooklyn. At best, such a thing would make me look like an idiot. At worst, the very real struggles of Brooklyn’s drug-dealin’ hustlas would not be taken seriously by those who could affect positive change.

jay-z-2(What I look like in my car)

Now obviously, this woman clearly has profound psychological issues. I mean, watch the below interview. It’s not a deeply personal question to ask if those boys who live with you are your sons or brothers. And yes, you may not give two shits about what your biological parents have to say about you, but the one thing they are an authority on is your racial and genetic makeup.

So thank you, TransRachel, for making me reach my tolerance limit at least two decades too early. I’m sure the NAACP appreciates you turning their organization into a laughing stock.

Myths of MGTOW

MGTOW is a whole lot more than just the dumbest acronym you’ve ever heard of (pronounced ‘mig-tau’). It’s a fresh new take on misogyny where men avoid women in person while bashing them online. MGTOW stands for “Men Going Their Own Way,” which I’m guessing they had to use because MWPNTCAWBSATFTBATIOF (Men Who Pretend Not To Care About Women But Spend All Their Free Time Bitching About Them In Online Forums) was already taken.


I first learned of MGTOW, the Manosphere, and PUAHate last year when Elliot Rodger, a 22-year-old virgin, shot and killed six people and injured 14 others in California because he was butt-hurt about not getting laid and was jealous of his college buddies who seemed to have an easier time with women.

Since then, I have been fascinated with this movement and have read countless Facebook posts, sneaked into forum discussions, and listened to dozens of faceless YouTube videos where these MGTOW guys ask you to “swallow the red pill” (thus, ruining The Matrix) and learn the truth about the world.

But when it comes to MGTOW, truth is in short supply.


Members of MGTOW would like you to believe that they are not hateful or angry, and that their choice to avoid women is based in logic. Their mantras go something like this:

  • The system is stacked against men, especially when it comes to child support, custody, and alimony.
  • There are no benefits to being with a woman, so why bother?
  • Pretty much all women are manipulative, disrespectful, gold-digging, (insert despicable stereotype here), etc. But it’s not their fault. That’s just how they are biologically, and you can’t change it.
  • MTGOW is a healthy celebration of men and men’s rights.

If MTGOW was truly about male empowerment and protecting/advancing men’s’ rights (and there are already great groups that genuinely do that), they would not need to spend so much time on the Internet putting women down.

Let’s face it, the moment that you say “all (insert entire race/religion/gender here) are (insert unflattering stereotype here), so let’s avoid them or treat them in a certain way,” you’re preaching hate.

It’s like the KKK. If you don’t care about other people seeing your browser history, go visit their website at They don’t sell themselves as a hate group either. They’re “The Knights Party.” Doesn’t that sound neat? Their slogan is “Bringing a Message of Hope and Deliverance to White Christian America! A Message of Love NOT Hate!” It’s just white pride, people. No hate to see here.

However, as a pasty-faced whitey from the Midwest who’s known and encountered her fair share of KKK members and sympathizers, I can tell you that they don’t spend hardly any time promoting white pride. They’re not trying to build statues to white heroes. You won’t see a guy in a white hood at the local fair trying humbly to sell you artisanal mayonnaise or a velvet Elvis (aka, the cuisine and artwork of his people). KKK members do not gyrate awkwardly in GAP stores trying to demonstrate native dances.

Nope. Because once you venture off the official website, KKK clearly spends their time putting down basically anyone who isn’t white, Christian, or straight. Of course, many KKK members still deny hate. For example, Daniel Carver, a former Grand Dragon of the KKK and a frequent guest on the Howard Stern Show, insists that he doesn’t hate black people. He just basically thinks of them as monkeys and lesser animals who are not human and cannot help their behaviors.

MGTOW has the exact same attitude towards women, only they’re not as savvy as the KKK, who at least avoids trash-talking on their website.


There are a few people in my life, both men and women, who completely suck at relationships. Everyone has at least one friend or relative who clearly suffers from psychological issues that prevent them from picking or keeping decent partners. That’s fine. Monogamy isn’t for everyone, marriage isn’t for everyone, and certainly having children isn’t for everyone.

A lot of men have been gong their own way for years, and I’m not even talking about the gay ones. Some even do it accidentally by getting into death metal or comic books in a big way. There are notable celebrities who avoid committed relationships with women – Henry Rollins and Bill Maher spring to mind. Choosing to restrict yourself from committed relationships is perfectly fine. Heck, you may be doing the world a great big favor.

But getting online and blasting 50+% of the population, accusing them of being domineering, selfish, or crazy, is not independence. It’s hate.

It’s worth noting that many of the younger MGTOW members are obviously hoping their new-found independence will somehow make them more desirable to chicks. What color is the ironic pill? Purple?

Spend time in their forums, and you will see some hilarious posts from men who clearly have no idea how to have normal relationships, and treat women like a bad drug addiction they need quit cold turkey. My favorite, was from a guy (let’s call him Bob) who went MGTOW for three years, decided he needed sex with a hot chick 12 years his junior, and then let her move in with him two days later. This girl likely had another boyfriend, which worried Bob, because he was pretty sure he was in love, having known this girl for nearly two weeks. Instead of advising Bob to see a shrink, or learn basic relationship pacing skills, his ever-supportive MGTOW pals all said things like, “See?!? That’s how ALL women are. Dump that slut immediately and stop being such a mangina!”

Which brings me to my next point…


MGTOW only cares about MGTOW men. If you are a guy who is kind to women, would maybe enjoy a committed relationship, or even *gasp* get married, they will call you a white knight or a mangina. A mangina is a “feminized, pussy-whipped loser who actively seeks a woman’s approval hoping he can get into her pants.”

White Knight


Let’s be clear. There is no MGTOW research institute. They don’t offer statistics or facts to back up any of their points. In fact, endorses the use of sweeping generalizations: “Generalizations are absolutely necessary in order to learn anything.”

Many MGTOW videos, like this recent one posted by Sandman actually urge their followers to ignore facts and statistics (they’re all a conspiracy in red pill world), and focus more on emotional experiences. If a woman did this, they would surely label her irrational and hysterical.

In my own personal experience, about 80% of the straight women I know earn more than their men, make as much as their men, or live on their own without a man’s financial support. If I were to make generalizations based on my own myopic experiences, I could boldly state that most men are slackers who don’t have as much to offer as women do. Do you want to see that web site? Of course you don’t. You know why? Because we all know that’s not true (I am a white knight for the men folk). Generalizations are completely useless and a good indication that the person relying on them has no idea what they’re talking about.

Here are the actual facts MGTOW would prefer to ignore or deny:

So rather than making false assumptions based on stereotypes and relying on generalizations of bitter men who hyperfocus on the negative female experiences they have in their life, allow me to reiterate the facts:

Women are breadwinners nearly half the time, despite the fact that they still do the majority of housework and child-rearing. They are becoming more educated, making higher wages, and like men, are becoming more inclined to stay unmarried.

It would seem women have already been going their own way for quite some time. So why are these guys so desperate to assert even more independence? Perhaps instead of extolling the virtues of swallowing red pills and valuing generalizations over facts, these MGTOW fellows should try to get more boys into college.


Of course it doesn’t.

It could. It could be a great champion for men’s rights, spotlighting male domestic abuse, and driving better educational opportunities for boys. Or it could act like an alcoholic support group where members share their best tricks to abstain from something they can’t handle. This is a good example, because you don’t see alcoholics just sitting around and insulting liquor – they realize the problem lies within themselves. But MGTOW members, like all people who don’t accept their own role in failed relationship patterns, will never grow into anything but resentful, and maybe even violent.

If MGTOW started out with good intentions, it has now certainly devolved into a movement of extremely angry men set out to alienate anyone who does not believe what they do. They just rant about terrible women and the men who love them. Just like Elliot Rodgers.

Unfortunately, the one truth that MGTOW leaders get right is that this is a growing movement. Since 2009, MGTOW organizations have grown tremendously, as have their online presence.

I shudder to think what impact this movement will have in the future.

I prefer to remember the good ole’ days before the Internet. Back then, if you had bad experiences in life, you would share them with immediate friends and family members, most of whom would provide diverse perspectives derived from their very different experiences. Eventually, you would get over yourself and rejoin society, hopefully learning from your mistakes.

But now, you can take your negative experiences, share them exclusively with others who share those same experiences, making new friends who offer no differing viewpoints and can only pile on the animosity. No healing or growth takes place. Just venting to the point of isolation from normal society and spending all your time online with people who can’t help you keep your inner asshole in check.

And we all need people to help keep our inner assholes in check.

Even me.


Hand me a blue pill.

Wanna Discriminate? Join My New Religion!

Indiana just signed a bill into law so vague, that it will allow residents to withhold goods and services to anyone they’d like, just so long as the discrimination is based on “sincerely held religious beliefs.” If you don’t subscribe to a particular religion, you’re still not allowed to discriminate against anybody. Ironic, isn’t it? You now need religion to justify treating people poorly.

Well then, atheists, agnostics, and others who want to expand their rights to discriminate – today is your lucky day!!!

I’ve Started a New Religion Just for You

Believe it or not, I’m an ordained minister. I became ordained in order to officiate a wedding ceremony, and was surprised at how incredibly easy it was. I expected I would at least have to sign something, pay for some legal document, maybe pass a quiz on the 10 commandments…something that would make the whole minister title feel at least slightly legit.

None of that was necessary. I simply visited and became ordained through the Universal Life Church (ULC). All that was required was my email address and a password, and boom – I was bestowed many new nifty rights. Beyond performing a wedding, ULC ministers are also ordained to perform other religious services like baptisms, spiritual counseling, and funerals. I can even start my own online ministry, which sounds like a more viable option than dribbling water over a newborn while denouncing Satan, though the latter would certainly be more amusing.

So here begins my new online ministry. I deem myself High Priestess of:

The Church of Phoeyonyou

My church is founded on the belief that there is a single entity (whether you call it a God, a general spirit, or the whiskey you pass around a campfire) that unites us all against inconsiderate pricks and self-righteous douche bags. Our newly formed, yet sincerely held religious beliefs will prevent us from providing goods and services to the following ass hats:

Mike Pence and every politician who passed the SB101 law


Why should they get to pass a law without being subjected to it? Please let these primarily straight, white, male, Christians know just how it feels to be denied goods and services.

People who use their businesses to discriminate against patrons based on race, religion, Gender, or LGBT status.


Because fuck those guys. Really.

John (Cougar) Mellencamp

 Photo of John MELLENCAMP

Let me just state for the record that I’ve never met Mr. Mellencamp, and I genuinely like his music. In fact, I prefer him to Bruce Springsteen and always thought his music was undervalued. This particular smite is a gift to the many, many Hoosiers I’ve met over the years, all of whom seem to have a personal story about this guy acting like a self-entitled prick. Go to Seymour Indiana to hear about what an asshole he is (apparently), and use the local pronunciation, as in: “he’s an ayis-ho.”

Pandas and the idiots who try to get them to reproduce.


Hey, it’s my religion. And pandas are like the Paris Hilton of the animal kingdom. They do nothing, give nothing, they’re extinct because they’re dumb as hell, and the only reason humans work so hard to keep them alive is because they’re cute. If they looked like possums, the species would have died out a long time ago.

All Are Welcome!

Please feel free to call yourself a disciple of the Church of Phoeyonyou, and add to the list of acceptable persons to discriminate against in the comment section below.

And if someone asks why you are discriminating against them, simply say “Phoeyonyou,” bow your head in reverence, and lift up your middle finger, which is our salute to our vague deity.

A Helpful Discrimination Guide for Bigoted Bakers in Indiana

Dear Bakers in Indiana with “Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs:”

Boy, have you been getting a lot of media attention lately. Apparently, unlike people who make their living in any other profession, you alone have to accept good money from people you find sinful. Worse yet, you have to see your offerings become silent accomplices in activities you deem to be wrong. That never, ever happens to anyone else. I’m so glad laws are being developed for you and not for, let’s say, an EMT worker who has to save the life of a convicted child rapist because technically, there are no commonly held religious beliefs to hide behind.

Luckily, a bill being passed in Indiana finally gives you the freedom to refuse services to whomever you’d like based on your “sincerely held religious beliefs.” What a glorious day for Hoosiers. After weeks of having to cater to gay weddings, you can finally protect your religious freedoms and ensure your cakes are only going to righteous celebrations.

But did you know that the Bible deems other unions, ones I am certain you’ve knowingly and happily made cakes for, a sin? Ever make a wedding cake for a woman celebrating her second marriage? Congratulations, you just made an adultery cake (Matthew 5:32). Ever make an adorable baby shower cake for an unwed mother (Deuteronomy 23:2)? That’s a bit of a gray area of course, but certainly food for thought.

You could, of course, change your mind and serve the gays. There is absolutely nothing in the Bible that forbids people preparing cakes or any other foodstuffs for gay weddings. Like dinosaurs, gay weddings are not even mentioned in the Bible. However, if you cannot bring yourself to serve food to anyone who has or will surely commit a sin so heinous that it’s punishable by death in the Bible, you should do so across the board. After all, you could lose a lot of income if the locals get a whiff of bigotry.

As a helpful guide, here is a list of sinners that warrant Biblical death sentences. You should avoid doing business with:

* Children who curse their parents (Leviticus 20:9): Yeah, to hell with those ingrates. Especially if their parents are picking up the tab.

* People who work on the Sabbath (Exodus 31:15): Of course, you should refrain from baking cakes on the Sabbath as well, you perfect, sinless baker, you.

* Girls who have premarital sex (Deuteronomy 22:20): Shotgun wedding? No white dress? No cake for you!

* Disobedient sons (Deuteronomy 21:18): Be sure to interview the groom’s parents before you fire up that oven.

* Worshiping any god but Yahweh (Deuteronomy 17:2-5): Goes without saying. I mean, why would you cater to a Hindu wedding? That’s not a real wedding if it is not sanctified by your one true God (or trinity, or whatever).

* Witches (Exodus 22: 18): Which I suppose would translate into modern day Wiccans? Who cares. Screw those weirdos. No cake for them.

* Wizards (Leviticus 20:27): Perhaps you should avoid making Harry Potter or Gandalf themed birthday cakes just to be safe.

* Slutty daughters of clergy (Leviticus 21:9): That seems fair. They engage in premarital sex and should be sentenced to death anyway. Why should they receive special treatment because of their dad has an “in” with the big guy upstairs?

* Men who rape women, and the women they rape if the women are within city limits and do not cry out for help (Deuteronomy 22:23-25): I would give rape victims a pass, but that’s just me. I totally support you not baking cakes for rapists.

* Blasphemers (Leviticus 24:16): Let’s just hope, at no point do any of your clients say things like “God dammit” or “Jesus Christ, $800 for a cake?!?” during the planning of their weddings. I’m sure that sort of thing is extremely rare.

* Anyone who tries to deconvert yahweh worshipers (Deuteronomy 12:6): Does that include Scientologists? Because I think it would be really cool to make a Lord Xenu wedding cake full of thetans. That order may be too complex anyway. Moving along…

* Men who lie with men (Leviticus 20:13): I think technically you can still bake cakes for lesbian weddings. And maybe transgendered folks if at least one of the men identifies as a woman. I dunno. Consult your clergy.

* Adulterers (Leviticus 20: 10-12): Why would you want to bake a cake for a cheater anyway? They’re just gonna ruin the marriage eventually.

* Men who lie with beasts and beasts who lie with men (Leviticus 20:15): Unless it’s for a wedding between a cheetah and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, because that cake topper would be too awesome not to do.

I hope this helps you explore new and unexpected methods of discrimination against your paying customers. As I always say, if you’re going to be a dick, diversify 🙂