A friend once told me a disturbing story about confiscating a coloring book from his children, which depicted people burning in hell for their sins. Apparently, this was a gift from their grandparent’s Pentecostal church.
Which got me thinking… It’s been a long time since I colored anything. I should totally color a picture of people burning in hell and mount it on my fridge.
Try as I might, I was unable to find any such coloring pages online. However, I did see many articles and blogs from people complaining about having to color graphic hell scenes while attending Catholic school, so I know this is a thing. Heck, it’s my new Holy Grail.
In my quest I have encountered far more perplexing coloring books, all with the goal of getting young children to buy into various religious, political, or bigoted ideologies.
Colors of Religion
I live pretty close to the Creation Museum, which features painstakingly produced exhibits and explanations for the Earth being roughly 6,000 years old. They’re even building a replica Noah’s Ark just a few miles from my home, which I imagine will be a pretty smelly indoor petting zoo. It’s not surprising that they offer activity books from Answers Magazine depicting dinosaurs and man living together, or animal marches into the ark. However, I find myself quite fascinated by this one, where the grown-up brachiosauruses sacrifice their lives for the good of their children and future existence. Why did this only happen with brachiosauruses? Wouldn’t it have been easier for Noah to transport all of the animals as babies?
For those of you who have never ventured to the Creation Museum, the dinosaur story goes like this: All animals existed in Eden, including dinosaurs. In Eden, all animals were herbivores. A T. rex would delicately nibble on grass until the day Adam sinned and ate the forbidden fruit. After Adam’s sin, the T. rex developed an appetite for Adam. Eventually, Noah managed to get a T. rex and his girlfriend onto his ark without getting digested, and the dinosaurs were saved along with all other animals. But the world was vastly different after the flood, and T. rex perished in the new climate.
This next one helps children stay safe from lecherous child predators – namely Catholic priests. The New York Archdiocese of the Roman Catholic Church designed this coloring book with helpful anti-molestation safety tips. I appreciate the concern for children, but this was a terrible PR move. They even made the priest in the picture look creepy. And what does the boy have his arms in? Whatever it is, they should have made it more clear in the drawing. When I look at this, I see a nervous boy being forced to massage the feet of an archbishop while a priest lies to an angel about what is transpiring.
If you hate heresy, you’ll love this coloring page. That space between Buddha and the tree would be a perfect place to draw a little Buddy Christ.
What sucks about this next one is that every image I find on the inter-webs has it fairly colored already. I would have LOVED to color this little gem from a Hasidic grade school. The text translates to: “All the wild animals came to Egypt, and they devoured the Egyptians. Even from the houses the animals schlepped out the Egyptians and devoured them.”
This one is great on so many levels. I mean how cool would it be if a giraffe poked it’s head through your upstairs window, tossed your body into the street, and ate you alive while a Hasidic Jewish kid pet it peacefully as you suffered? Pretty rad if you ask me. Though it might be cooler to duke it out with that little mini Godzilla. Or whatever that green thing is supposed to be.
Of course, when talking about religious agendas, you can’t leave out those clever Satanists, who distributed The Satanic Children’s Big Book of Activities to Florida Public Schools in retaliation after a Christian group received permission to distribute Bibles and other religious materials to public school students. Only in Florida.
Color Blind Racism
I would love to say that this is merely a reflection of America’s troubled past, but given all the recent riots and police-caused deaths of unarmed black people, The Black Panther Coloring Book, and the story behind it, is more relevant than ever.
This coloring book was originally presented to the Black Panthers by an undercover FBI representative requesting an opportunity to publish the book on their behalf. The Black Panthers found the book to be completely disgusting and did not want any part of it. Unfazed by the rejection, the FBI, pretending to be the Black Panthers, added even more offensive drawings and mass mailed the coloring book across the United States. This freaked out white people, and convinced many of them to ignore legitimate issues affecting the black population.
On the plus side, it’s a coloring book, so you can color all the people and pigs any color you like.
Thanks to Really Big Coloring Books, the brain trust behind controversial works like We Shall Never Forget 9/11: The Kids’ Book of Freedom and The True Faces of Evil – Terror, your child can be constantly tormented with the fear of radical jihadists.
Luckily, your kid can make the smoke coming out of the World Trade Center bright pink. It’s fun 🙂
Just think of the silly hues your kid can use to color this sobbing boy’s hair. Grief can be whimsical if you just tap into the power of imagination.
Look at all the great burqa space being sported by that human shield. Your kid can totally design a cool print for a gal who’s forced to cover up her entire body, even in the privacy of her own bedroom.
And what kid doesn’t like to color a public execution scene. Am I right?
Of course, no coloring book is complete without a little humor and dismemberment. Just get a load of these hilarious fish.
Political Coloring Books
Thankfully, the only politician I found that made a coloring book designed to genuinely appeal to children is Ted Cruz.
Oops. Wait. I have that wrong. Per ColoringBook.com and their disclaimers, this is not a coloring book designed to endorse Ted Cruz. No, this book is an educational tool based on a fair and objective review of a positive role model and a real-life superhero. Who happens to be Ted Cruz.
Check out this awesome coloring page where he wrestles the twin snakes of Obamacare and illegal immigration. This is gonna be my next arm tattoo.
The Gay Agenda
Last but not least, I present the coloring page that turned so many of my friends gay in the 1980s.
Shame on you.