Wanna Discriminate? Join My New Religion!

Indiana just signed a bill into law so vague, that it will allow residents to withhold goods and services to anyone they’d like, just so long as the discrimination is based on “sincerely held religious beliefs.” If you don’t subscribe to a particular religion, you’re still not allowed to discriminate against anybody. Ironic, isn’t it? You now need religion to justify treating people poorly.

Well then, atheists, agnostics, and others who want to expand their rights to discriminate – today is your lucky day!!!

I’ve Started a New Religion Just for You

Believe it or not, I’m an ordained minister. I became ordained in order to officiate a wedding ceremony, and was surprised at how incredibly easy it was. I expected I would at least have to sign something, pay for some legal document, maybe pass a quiz on the 10 commandments…something that would make the whole minister title feel at least slightly legit.

None of that was necessary. I simply visited http://www.themonastery.org/ and became ordained through the Universal Life Church (ULC). All that was required was my email address and a password, and boom – I was bestowed many new nifty rights. Beyond performing a wedding, ULC ministers are also ordained to perform other religious services like baptisms, spiritual counseling, and funerals. I can even start my own online ministry, which sounds like a more viable option than dribbling water over a newborn while denouncing Satan, though the latter would certainly be more amusing.

So here begins my new online ministry. I deem myself High Priestess of:

The Church of Phoeyonyou

My church is founded on the belief that there is a single entity (whether you call it a God, a general spirit, or the whiskey you pass around a campfire) that unites us all against inconsiderate pricks and self-righteous douche bags. Our newly formed, yet sincerely held religious beliefs will prevent us from providing goods and services to the following ass hats:

Mike Pence and every politician who passed the SB101 law


Why should they get to pass a law without being subjected to it? Please let these primarily straight, white, male, Christians know just how it feels to be denied goods and services.

People who use their businesses to discriminate against patrons based on race, religion, Gender, or LGBT status.


Because fuck those guys. Really.

John (Cougar) Mellencamp

 Photo of John MELLENCAMP

Let me just state for the record that I’ve never met Mr. Mellencamp, and I genuinely like his music. In fact, I prefer him to Bruce Springsteen and always thought his music was undervalued. This particular smite is a gift to the many, many Hoosiers I’ve met over the years, all of whom seem to have a personal story about this guy acting like a self-entitled prick. Go to Seymour Indiana to hear about what an asshole he is (apparently), and use the local pronunciation, as in: “he’s an ayis-ho.”

Pandas and the idiots who try to get them to reproduce.


Hey, it’s my religion. And pandas are like the Paris Hilton of the animal kingdom. They do nothing, give nothing, they’re extinct because they’re dumb as hell, and the only reason humans work so hard to keep them alive is because they’re cute. If they looked like possums, the species would have died out a long time ago.

All Are Welcome!

Please feel free to call yourself a disciple of the Church of Phoeyonyou, and add to the list of acceptable persons to discriminate against in the comment section below.

And if someone asks why you are discriminating against them, simply say “Phoeyonyou,” bow your head in reverence, and lift up your middle finger, which is our salute to our vague deity.


2 thoughts on “Wanna Discriminate? Join My New Religion!

  1. upright citizen says:

    i am going to light a candle for every homosexual that cant get a piece of cake in Indiana. the united states christian has always had such a struggle in this nation, and for once the governement decides to rule in the favor of religious freedom, and everyone wants to cry about it. For every baker that denys a customer services based on thier religion, color, or sexual orientation i urge them to contact me as i will be selling discounted pies


  2. Pete says:

    Hi Uncouth Marie, my name is Pete and I am a casting associate with MTV’s “True Life” TV show. We are currently in the casting phase of an upcoming episode(s) centering on folks who wish to start their own religion. Here is our casting blurb:
    Are you a prophet? Or maybe a spiritual visionary? Are you potentially the leader of a new spiritual movement? Do your beliefs not fit with any organized religion, so you have to start your own? Do you hope other people will commit to your ideals? Are you hoping to spread your understanding of what’s holy to the rest of the world? Are you sharing your unique spirituality with others? Do you want to share your story on MTV True Life? If you appear to be between the ages of 18 and 29, e-mail us at truelife@punchedinthehead.com with your name, phone number, and a recent picture of you. Tell us a little about yourself, your history, and the new religious movement you’re leading.

    If this sounds like something that you would be interested in, as well as being an excellent platform to get your message out, please msg me back, or hit up the email in the blurb. I think that your idea and message would make for interesting TV. I look forward to hearing back from you, Pete


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