Indiana just signed a bill into law so vague, that it will allow residents to withhold goods and services to anyone they’d like, just so long as the discrimination is based on “sincerely held religious beliefs.” If you don’t subscribe to a particular religion, you’re still not allowed to discriminate against anybody. Ironic, isn’t it? You now need religion to justify treating people poorly.
Well then, atheists, agnostics, and others who want to expand their rights to discriminate – today is your lucky day!!!
I’ve Started a New Religion Just for You
Believe it or not, I’m an ordained minister. I became ordained in order to officiate a wedding ceremony, and was surprised at how incredibly easy it was. I expected I would at least have to sign something, pay for some legal document, maybe pass a quiz on the 10 commandments…something that would make the whole minister title feel at least slightly legit.
None of that was necessary. I simply visited http://www.themonastery.org/ and became ordained through the Universal Life Church (ULC). All that was required was my email address and a password, and boom – I was bestowed many new nifty rights. Beyond performing a wedding, ULC ministers are also ordained to perform other religious services like baptisms, spiritual counseling, and funerals. I can even start my own online ministry, which sounds like a more viable option than dribbling water over a newborn while denouncing Satan, though the latter would certainly be more amusing.
So here begins my new online ministry. I deem myself High Priestess of:
The Church of Phoeyonyou
My church is founded on the belief that there is a single entity (whether you call it a God, a general spirit, or the whiskey you pass around a campfire) that unites us all against inconsiderate pricks and self-righteous douche bags. Our newly formed, yet sincerely held religious beliefs will prevent us from providing goods and services to the following ass hats:
Mike Pence and every politician who passed the SB101 law
Why should they get to pass a law without being subjected to it? Please let these primarily straight, white, male, Christians know just how it feels to be denied goods and services.
People who use their businesses to discriminate against patrons based on race, religion, Gender, or LGBT status.
Because fuck those guys. Really.
John (Cougar) Mellencamp
Let me just state for the record that I’ve never met Mr. Mellencamp, and I genuinely like his music. In fact, I prefer him to Bruce Springsteen and always thought his music was undervalued. This particular smite is a gift to the many, many Hoosiers I’ve met over the years, all of whom seem to have a personal story about this guy acting like a self-entitled prick. Go to Seymour Indiana to hear about what an asshole he is (apparently), and use the local pronunciation, as in: “he’s an ayis-ho.”
Pandas and the idiots who try to get them to reproduce.
Hey, it’s my religion. And pandas are like the Paris Hilton of the animal kingdom. They do nothing, give nothing, they’re extinct because they’re dumb as hell, and the only reason humans work so hard to keep them alive is because they’re cute. If they looked like possums, the species would have died out a long time ago.
All Are Welcome!
Please feel free to call yourself a disciple of the Church of Phoeyonyou, and add to the list of acceptable persons to discriminate against in the comment section below.
And if someone asks why you are discriminating against them, simply say “Phoeyonyou,” bow your head in reverence, and lift up your middle finger, which is our salute to our vague deity.