Dear Bakers in Indiana with “Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs:”
Boy, have you been getting a lot of media attention lately. Apparently, unlike people who make their living in any other profession, you alone have to accept good money from people you find sinful. Worse yet, you have to see your offerings become silent accomplices in activities you deem to be wrong. That never, ever happens to anyone else. I’m so glad laws are being developed for you and not for, let’s say, an EMT worker who has to save the life of a convicted child rapist because technically, there are no commonly held religious beliefs to hide behind.
Luckily, a bill being passed in Indiana finally gives you the freedom to refuse services to whomever you’d like based on your “sincerely held religious beliefs.” What a glorious day for Hoosiers. After weeks of having to cater to gay weddings, you can finally protect your religious freedoms and ensure your cakes are only going to righteous celebrations.
But did you know that the Bible deems other unions, ones I am certain you’ve knowingly and happily made cakes for, a sin? Ever make a wedding cake for a woman celebrating her second marriage? Congratulations, you just made an adultery cake (Matthew 5:32). Ever make an adorable baby shower cake for an unwed mother (Deuteronomy 23:2)? That’s a bit of a gray area of course, but certainly food for thought.
You could, of course, change your mind and serve the gays. There is absolutely nothing in the Bible that forbids people preparing cakes or any other foodstuffs for gay weddings. Like dinosaurs, gay weddings are not even mentioned in the Bible. However, if you cannot bring yourself to serve food to anyone who has or will surely commit a sin so heinous that it’s punishable by death in the Bible, you should do so across the board. After all, you could lose a lot of income if the locals get a whiff of bigotry.
As a helpful guide, here is a list of sinners that warrant Biblical death sentences. You should avoid doing business with:
* Children who curse their parents (Leviticus 20:9): Yeah, to hell with those ingrates. Especially if their parents are picking up the tab.
* People who work on the Sabbath (Exodus 31:15): Of course, you should refrain from baking cakes on the Sabbath as well, you perfect, sinless baker, you.
* Girls who have premarital sex (Deuteronomy 22:20): Shotgun wedding? No white dress? No cake for you!
* Disobedient sons (Deuteronomy 21:18): Be sure to interview the groom’s parents before you fire up that oven.
* Worshiping any god but Yahweh (Deuteronomy 17:2-5): Goes without saying. I mean, why would you cater to a Hindu wedding? That’s not a real wedding if it is not sanctified by your one true God (or trinity, or whatever).
* Witches (Exodus 22: 18): Which I suppose would translate into modern day Wiccans? Who cares. Screw those weirdos. No cake for them.
* Wizards (Leviticus 20:27): Perhaps you should avoid making Harry Potter or Gandalf themed birthday cakes just to be safe.
* Slutty daughters of clergy (Leviticus 21:9): That seems fair. They engage in premarital sex and should be sentenced to death anyway. Why should they receive special treatment because of their dad has an “in” with the big guy upstairs?
* Men who rape women, and the women they rape if the women are within city limits and do not cry out for help (Deuteronomy 22:23-25): I would give rape victims a pass, but that’s just me. I totally support you not baking cakes for rapists.
* Blasphemers (Leviticus 24:16): Let’s just hope, at no point do any of your clients say things like “God dammit” or “Jesus Christ, $800 for a cake?!?” during the planning of their weddings. I’m sure that sort of thing is extremely rare.
* Anyone who tries to deconvert yahweh worshipers (Deuteronomy 12:6): Does that include Scientologists? Because I think it would be really cool to make a Lord Xenu wedding cake full of thetans. That order may be too complex anyway. Moving along…
* Men who lie with men (Leviticus 20:13): I think technically you can still bake cakes for lesbian weddings. And maybe transgendered folks if at least one of the men identifies as a woman. I dunno. Consult your clergy.
* Adulterers (Leviticus 20: 10-12): Why would you want to bake a cake for a cheater anyway? They’re just gonna ruin the marriage eventually.
* Men who lie with beasts and beasts who lie with men (Leviticus 20:15): Unless it’s for a wedding between a cheetah and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, because that cake topper would be too awesome not to do.
I hope this helps you explore new and unexpected methods of discrimination against your paying customers. As I always say, if you’re going to be a dick, diversify 🙂